SETTING EXPECTATIONSGreetings from retirement! Do you remember me?
Yep. That's right. I figured I'd throw some of you old-timer WAKA players a bone, dust off the ol' keyboard, and scrape the rust off my blog skeeeeelz. But let me set the stage before I jump right in... (remember that song by the Urge feat. Nick Hexum from 311? That was solid. And references like that show why I'm retired)
From a length perspective, don't expect The Stand. It'll be more like Children of the Corn, a mediocre Stephen King short story brought to life by a great cast of characters like MALACHI and HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS.
Who wants to look at corn with me?
But that's enough Children of the Corn talk (is that the only time that sentence has ever been written?). Let me get into the rundown of what we're going to cover after Week 4.
1) Various observations and random musings from my first few weeks
2) A guessing game for goal scorers' last names b/c Adam likes them to be a mystery
3) An evaluation of where we currently are and some projections based on everyone's schedules for the rest of the year
RAMBLINGS, RANTS, AND RIDICULOUSNESS
- Well, the Moat/Buffalos game went about like I thought it would. A wild herd of Buffalos steamrolling people and sportsmanship being flushed in the Moat. Lots of yelling, lots of fouls that don't belong in this league, and lots of yelling. Amazingly, if you were to interview either team - they were innocent. Ah... the Shaggy defense - Always reliable. After the first half of Moat/Buffalos, I honestly thought it was going to end in The Malice at the Palace. A random beer thrown, fisticuffs, perhaps a Joe McCalla karate kick out of nowhere even though he's not on either team. But a crazy thing happened. Like 5 minutes into the second half, it magically de-escalated and ended with an Eric Cartman stuffed animal tea party-like atmosphere. Clyde Frog shook Wumpertumpskin's hand and sportsmanship prevailed. Now that that's behind us, let's roll through the end of season just like that and remember the foundation of this league - making it to work on Monday and loving soccer for what it is.
- Irrational port-a-potty fears abound! No lock? 300 people to one port-a-john? No TP? So many ways this could go wrong and yet, it seems to be working. So special thank you to a) those of you blowing it up at home before coming to the field and blowing it up b) people bringing extra TP c) port-o-police (that's what I call people who stand guard for their friends) and d) those of you knocking and not flinging the door open while others are relieving themselves. SIDE NOTE: Does anyone else have the irrational fear of someone opening the door, getting alarmed, and turning mid-stream while the league looks at you peeing on the person who opened the door? Oh.. just me? OK)
- Time for a round of applause for the new commish, Adam Frantz. Not easy to take on a league of just under 300 during a pandemic and having things run smooth each week. Bravo, sir. Bravo. Drop some thanks in the FB comments, people.
- I think I may change our team name in future seasons to VIP solely so I can a) have our rally cry be 'Yo VIP Let's kick it.' and b) pay Vanilla Ice on Cameo to give us pep talks each week. Do you think someone will make us some sweet oversized parachute jerseys we can spin around in?
- Oozlekicks and Mother Lovers seem to be the Fall 2019 Look Ma of this season. High talent teams with really brutal schedules that drop them to the bottom. Nice to see the Ooze get a little precipitation on their win drought this week. Hoping Mother Lovers get some lovin' next week.
- Who are the Rays? A couple of guys that thought Raymond was too formal? A group of New York pizza parlor owners? Nope. It looks like a free agent team put together by a record executive to make a solid boy-and-girl band to take CLUBWAKA by storm. They certainly seem to be N'Sync. AYYYY OOOOOOO
- Thanks to all those that flagged me down for Mother's Day photos. Trying to cover 3 fields while playing in the middle of the day proved to be a little bit challenging. If you still want one that will just be late for Mother's Day, let me know and I'll do my best to accommodate it. Also, let's get some more team photos so we can put together a really nice collage post-season (and maybe Ryan O'Donnell will make us some Team Trading Cards from Denver).
- Do you want to be a couch potato MLS analyst like me? It's easy. Stay and watch the games! You could be WAKA Famous! Mingle with people. Ask people on the team - who is that cat that keeps doing stepovers? Who is that girl that just trucked that guy? Who is that guy with the glamorous man bun? Who is that fella with the hat on that just tried to head that ball?
It's Nick, folks. It's Nick.
- Ahem... reminder time. Accessories are fun. I like to wear a fat gold rope chain whenever I'm in the studio, but there's a place for it, ya know? And that place is not on the soccer field. A second reminder from your ex-commissioner and your current commissioner - don't wear stuff that can injure you or another person - hats, sunglasses, brass knuckles, spiked collars, daisy dukes when you haven't gotten any sun on your upper thighs (I'm talking to you, guys). Feel free to put these things on when you go to Sly Clyde's. Oh yeah. GO TO SLY CLYDE'S! They're our sponsor bar. OK. That's all.
GUESS WHO?: GOALSCORER EDITION
Do you find yourself having conversations about the Golden Boot like, "Who do you think is going to win it? John, Frank, or James?" or perhaps "I put $20 on Michael Ronaldo McDonaldo to win and Mickey Hangover to finish tops for girls". Maybe you're tired of saying 'I'm pulling for alan - all lower case'. Well, I'm here to help.
It's time for our first episode of 'Guess Who?: Goalscorer Edition'! (cue flashing lights, clapping, cheering, one overly loud annoying laugh guy, someone wooting like they're on Arsenio in the 90s)
The way we play is like this. I give you actual names on Adam's goal scoring list after week 3. And you get to try and match them to their real last name which is conveniently located on the rosters. Let's do 6.
- Shawn - Footworks
- Dunn
- Lensch
- Christein
- Speight
- Munford
- Tom p - Shotgunning Goalies
- Nis
- Putnam
- Carrier
- Patrick
- Perkins
- Logan - Unatletico Monroe
- Miller
- Lonstein
- Drozen
- Korth
- Hewitt
- Ryan - Norfolk and Chance
- Gosling
- Thupthimthong
- Baldwin
- Spork
- Frankenstein
- Brandon - Misfits
- Burden
- Pubes
- Zavitz
- World Peace
- Brown
- Brendan - Misfits
- Laminate
- Cockburn
- Brandon
- Bryant
- Stack
MAKE YOUR SELECTIONS AND HEAD TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BLOG FOR THE ANSWERS. THANKS FOR PLAYING!
UNRELIABLE ANALYSIS
WHERE DID THESE PICKS COME FROM?
And now it's time for everyone's favorite blog component - UNRELIABLE TALKING HEAD ANALYSIS. Unfortunately, it's only me so I don't have anyone to Stephen A Scream over. Oh, and I'm typing. So maybe I'll just ALL CAPS once in a while to scream at you computer-style.
So this is the deal - there are a lot of words to read so I'm going to KISS this. Current records first. Then some educated guesses about how results will fall by team. Then my final projected rankings/playoff seeding.
FOOTWORKS
Current Record: 4-0-0
Games Left:
Oozlekicks - W
Intensity - W
The Buffalos - L
Through 4 games, Footworks has been killin it' and I'm 100% confident they earn a place in the top 4. What will make or break them is how they do this week and how they do against Buffalos and I don't see them winning both.
MOAT MONSTERS
Current Record: 4-0-0
Games Left:
Look Ma, No Hands - W
Defenders of the Bridge - W
Intensity - W
Unless they have absences, Moat is going undefeated and the two time champions will go into the playoffs as the 1 seed. About where we'd expect.
MISFITS
Current Record: 3-0-1
Games Left:
Defenders of the Bridge - W
Norfolk and Chance - W
Netkicks and Chill - W
Lots of attacking power on Misfits with a solid keeper and a solid defense whenever everyone shows. Would have to have a whole bunch of absences one week to not win out and finish 7-0-1. Assuming they'll be the two or three seed.
RAYS
Current Record: 3-0-1
Games Left:
Motherlovers - L
Hangover 86 FC - L
Defenders of the Bridge - W
I've only watched a few bits of Rays games and they seem like a solid team. But to be a free agent team and start 3-0-1, one must get out the magnifying glass and check out their schedule. Kick in a Box is the best team they've played and they tied 2-2. So I think the homestretch may be turbulent. Could end up 3-3-1 or 4-2-1 either one may put them in the bottom of the upper bracket come playoff time - a significant feat!
LOOK MA, NO HANDS
Current Record: 3-1-0
Games Left:
Moat Monsters - L
Oozlekicks - L
Balls Deep - L
Look Ma, No Shows. They seem to be scraping by with their numbers each week and with these three teams left on the schedule (pronounced shedule), you need all hands on deck. Calling them to finish 0-3 and be one of the 'on the bubble' teams for the top bracket.
RONALDO MCDONALDO
Current Record: 2-1-1
Games Left:
Norfolk and Chance - W
Unatletico Monroe - W
Shotgunnin Goalies - W
Tough start with arguably the top two teams in the league. To come out with a tie in one of them positioned Ronaldo to catapult back into the top 4 with a relatively week back half of the schedule. Barring absences , one of the top teams in the league should compete for the championship again.
BALLS DEEP
Current Record: 2-2-0
Games Left:
Intensity - W
Kick in a Box - W
Look Ma, No Hands - W
A lack of attendance may have pushed them from a win to a loss this past week vs. Oozlekicks. Will that come back to bite this talented team? I project them to win out and finish in the middle of the top bracket which will make for a phenomenal first round match-up in the playoffs.
SHOTGUNNING GOALIES
Current Record: 2-2-0
Games Left:
UnAtletico Monroe - L
Motherlovers - L
Ronaldo McDonaldo - L
A solid start is going to lead to a significant slide on the back 9. They may be able to hang with UAM, but I'm thinking UAM's numbers and Shotgunning's, well, Shotgunning... may lead to three losses to put them in the bottom bracket come playoff time.
DEFENDERS OF THE BRIDGE
Current Record: 2-2-0
Games Left:
Misfits - L
Moat Monsters - L
Rays - L
Even back a few seasons, I've always had a hard time picking DOTB games b/c it all depends on who shows up each week. The first two, I don't have a hard time picking. The last one - I'd lean towards DOTB having more talent than Rays, but if the talent doesn't shoooooow..... it could cement them in the bottom bracket. Best case is a 3-4 record. Worst - 2-5.
NETKICKS AND CHILL
Current Record - 2-2-0
Games Left:
Hangover 86 FC - L
The Buffalos - L
Misfits - L
Hangover and Netkicks have had some battles in the past, so I'm not putting it past Netkicks to come out of that one with a win. May depend on who shows up for both teams. The last two games I'd heavily favor Buffalos and Misfits, which would put Netkicks on Ice and into the bottom bracket.
THE BUFFALOS
Current Record - 1-2-1
Games Left:
Kick in a Box - W
Netkicks and Chill - W
Footworks - W
Like I said above, the Footworks/Buffalos will be huge. If Buffalos lose that game, to the bottom bracket they go. If they win against a team that will most likely be coming into that game undefeated, they should push to the bottom of the top bracket. Shouldn't have too much problem the next two weeks though.
KICK IN A BOX
Current Record - 1-2-1
Games Left:
The Buffalos - L
Balls Deep - L
Oozlekicks - L
Started out with a win and then a tie against the cinderella Rays and have fallen back to Earth the past two weeks. Outside of Norfolk and Chance, may have the hardest final stretch of the season. If they can find their form from the first two weeks, they may be able to make some noise in the bottom 9.
HANGOVER 86 FC
Current Record - 1-2-1
Games Left:
Netkicks and Chill - W
Rays - W
UnAtletico Monroe - W
If they can finish 3-0, that should be enough to jump them into the top bracket. The question is whether Netkicks can continue to make Hangover get the spins and hurl. But I'm assuming Hangover is coming fully loaded and will be ready to pull an upset in the playoffs.
UNATLETICO MONROE
Current Record: 1-3-0
Games Left:
Shotgunning Goalies - W
Ronaldo McDonaldo - L
Hangover 86 FC - L
I think they get their second win this week against Shotgunning Goalies. But I don't think they have a chance in the last two games unless Ronaldo gets confused by their matching jersey colors and starts passing to laterally to UAM in the back. UAM has talent though and with a lot of newbies, they may gel by the time the playoffs come around.
INTENSITY
Current Record: 1-3-0
Games Left:
Balls Deep - L
Footworks - L
Moat Monsters - L
I take that back. This is an absolutely brutal schedule as well. The two undefeated teams and Balls Deep coming off a loss. Eek. I'm sorry, Intensity. But I would give them a chance to pull a first round upset in the playoffs. Don't count them out. They have some goal scorers.
OOZLEKICKS
Current Record: 1-3-0
Games Left:
Footworks - L
Look Ma, No Hands - W
Kick in a Box - W
After an insane start to the schedule, they may have turned the corner with a win vs. Balls Deep. May fall to Earth this week vs. Footworks, but I'm calling the win over rivals Look Ma and then coasting through the game with KIAB to end the season. I still don't think think it's enough to push into the top bracket, but if they can pull the upset against Footworks this week, it's not only possible - it's probable.
NORFOLK AND CHANCE
Current Record: 0-4-0
Games Left:
Ronaldo McDonaldo - L
Misfits - L
Motherlovers - L
Have watched a couple of Norfolk and Chance's games and this is a team that's just beginning. Unfortunately, having RM and Misfits as two of the final three games is rough. ML may be an opportunity to get a W, but they'll be looking to finish strong after their own rough start to the season. In fact, depending on how ML's next two games go, they both could be battling for their only W of the season.
MOTHERLOVERS
Current Record: 0-4-0
Games Left:
Rays - W
Shotgunning Goalies - W
Norfolk and Chance - W
I have them finishing strong. They've run the gamut thus far and if they can build a little confidence against Rays, they should be able to jump to the middle of the table by season's end. May the Force by with you.
So where does that leave us???
ALERT ALERT BUTTHURT DISCLAIMER: I don't take into account goals for, against, head-to-head anything. Essentially, wherever Excel sorted them is where they went but it's fake so don't get belligerent about it if you're the first team out or something.
PLAY-IN GAMES:
The Buffalos vs. Look Ma - Championship Bracket
Intensity vs. Norfolk and Chance - League 2 Bracket
LEAGUE 2 TOURNEY:
Oozlekicks vs. Intensity/Norfolk and Chance
Motherlovers vs. Kick in a Box (I call this the Battle of Andy Samberg)
Shotgunning Goalies vs. Netkicks and Chill
UnAtletico Monroe vs. Defenders of the Bridge - BRAD'S MATCHUP OF THE WEEK
CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNEY:
Moat vs. Buffalos/Look Ma (a Buffalos rematch or a game vs. two of the original 10? sign me up)
Misfits vs. Hangover 86 FC
Footworks vs. Rays (this table would fall beautifully for Footworks)
Ronaldo McDonaldo vs. Balls Deep - BRAD'S MATCHUP OF THE WEEK (and not just b/c I'm playing in it)
So in the Facebook comments, feel free to talk about how wrong I am, what you'd like to see in these match-ups, how your projections may differ, or make fun of my outdated references. I honestly don't care. I'll be putting Visine in my eyes for like 6 months and icing my carpal tunnel after this 'Children of the Corn' blog that turned into The Dark Tower series.
JK JK JK
Be well. Love y'all.
THIS BLOG FUELED EXCLUSIVELY BY VINYL FROM:
Jawbreaker - 24 Hour Revenge Therapy
Outkast - Southerplayalisticadillacmuzik
Parquet Courts - Wide Awake!
My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
OH SNAP! I almost forgot. The answer key....
1. Trick question. There is no Shawn on Footworks. His name is Sean. And his last name is Christein.
2. Tom p. This was a tough one. Do you go with p being the first initial of his last name despite no one else on the list having a last name. Also, why is it lower-case? It's Patrick, but I'll give you credit if you assumed it was like Alex P. Keaton and chose Tom P. Nis.
3. Logan. No funny business here. Logan Miller. Although Logan Lonstein has a nice superhero ring to it.
4. Ryan Baldwin. But I hope you got the warm and fuzzies from my homage to the most versatile plasticware there is.
5. Another trick question b/c Adam spelled his teammate's first name wrong. Branden Zavitz. Although Brandon Pubes seems like a pretty cool name.
6. Brendan Stack. But I'm confident after reading this, he'll change his name to Brendan Brandon.
DUECES!
