AMAH(F)B: Fall 2011 Pre-Season Edition

by Nathaniel Johnson, Foul Balls

Beyersdorf poses with The Wentworth
Trophy in 2008.

Welcome back one and all to the fabulous world of WAKA Peninsula and especially to our little corner of War Memorial and Luckie's that we like to call Foul Territory.  My contract has been picked up for a second season allowing everyone to continue to enjoy my protracted and increasingly rambling thoughts on the Foul Balls season.  In preparing for this preview, I discovered that heading into the Fall season the Foul Balls are FOURTH ALL-TIME IN WINS.  For those of you who I just sent scrambling to the WAKA website in disbelief: http://www.kickball.com/league/vapeninsula/leaguehistory  (You will also understand the importance of announcing this fact before Week 1)  I am proud to be a part of this storied franchise and a small part of what is easily the best kickball league in the area.   We owe our league's success mostly to our esteemed Commissioner Wentworth and the rest to all of you fine people that gather every Wednesday night at the best kickball stadium in the region.  Now that I have disposed of all the necessary pleasantries, allow us to get down to the business of kickball.

Our busy off-season can be broken down into five stages: 1) Trimmed the fat off of our roster.  2) We drank heavily and didn't exercise and gained the fat back.  3) We went about recruiting the most diverse drinking/kickballing team this country has ever seen.  4) Stage 3 failed miserably, so we took whoever wasn't embarrassed to call us their teammates.  5) Vacation.   Let's get this motherfoulin' preview going with a quick run down the Gang Green roster....

It's Not Easy Being Green:

Nardi delivers.

Andreas Beyersdorf and Jen Nardi now remain the only two holdovers from the Foulies championship years.  These two have secured their place in Foul Territory's Walk of Heroes for all of eternity.  Dedicated. Reliable. Okay at kickball.  All ways to describe Jen and Andreas in 2008.  Late in the Spring season Nardi made the move from first base, where she had been a wall for three years, to the pitcher's mound in an emergency relief appearance and found a new home on the rubber.  At the plate, Jen is always a threat to showcase flashes of her collegiate soccer glory days and sneak a liner past unsuspecting infields.  Andreas Beyersdorf is everything to the Foul Balls franchise.  He produces our team headgear, is the only player sober/smart enough to write out lineup cards, and is a constant voice of enthusiasm and encouragement.

Gluttons for Punishment:

Rookies in the Spring 2011 season, John Max and Nathaniel Johnson have returned for a sophomore season with the Foul Balls.  The fact that they came back for Round 2 is testament enough to the patriotism and intestinal fortitude of these two.  John Max is a stalwart of the bar scene and improved throughout the season in the Foul Balls outfield and showed flashes of brilliance filling in at catcher in the season finale.  What celebrity will Mr. Max bring to Foul Territory this season?  What is there to say about Nathaniel Johnson that hasn't already been said?  The voice of his generation? The best jorts legs in the league? Scored 35% of the Foul Balls runs?

Haven't I Seen You At Some Swingers Party?:

Tomas Mikovny.  I met you when I was pretty drunk.  I asked if you could kick a ball and you assured me that was not a problem, so you passed our free agent test.  Tomas has the sweetest accent in the league and is a rocket scientist.  Get in line ladies.

John Robb.  You let me start on your softball team.  That's the kind of bravery it takes to be on the Foul Balls.  

I Don't Know You, But Maybe I Recognize Your Name?:

Phillip Gault.  If you are Brad Gault then I appreciate the way you roll every Wednesday night at Luckie's.  If you are just Phillip, and not Brad, then I wish you were Brad and you have big shoes to fill. 

P. Bradley Gault has officially joined Foul Balls.

Jethro Mechling.  Andreas said it best: "we got a guy named Jethro, that has to count for something".

Linzie Mechling.  You married Jethro.  That has to count for 60% of something.

Mechling joins FB from OitC.

Nicole Hartley.  You work with Jen.  Its been two weeks and Jen hasn't quit her job.....that's enough for me.

Francisca and Will.  Out-of-state WAKA transfers.  Their experience should come in handy in grooming a new crop of Foulies.  I welcome you to Hampton Roads and to, as far as you know, the most storied franchise in Virginia Peninsula history.

Cespedes joins us from WAKA's FL Coconut League in Miami.

I'm Tired, Drunk and I Don't Know You:

Everyone else, I ran out of steam and have no idea who you are.  I look forward to meeting you and indoctrinating you into the Foul Balls way.

Projected Record: 4-8

Unrefined talent and merged veteran players added onto roster...upgrade by one win.  Good karma from carrying the Foul Balls name into another season despite long odds and continuing to fight the good fight....upgrade by one win.  

Rivalries Unilaterally Declared by Foul Territory: 

5 O'Clockers- Zach's kidnapping and an embarrassing loss.  We seek revenge.

Rumspringa- You didn't do anything to antagonize us, but we're going to beat you.

Just For Kicks- Will Johnson would want you on this list.

Chicken Tetrazzini- You are the only other team I recognized, therefore, we must crush you.

Projected Bar Buzz Finish: #4

We added a lot of talent to our bar team and lost little from last season's bar crew...upgrade.  We lost Will Johnson, our primary designated driver....downgrade.  Andreas and John Robb bringing the average team age to 47...downgrade.  I now live in Newport News and have no responsibilities on Thursday mornings until 11:00 a.m......upgrade.

Teams We Want To Meet in Flip Cup:

Jagernauts- Enjoyed playing with you guys last year, look forward to it again this year.

Chubby Gangsters- We want to get to know you better....just in case....

5 O'Clockers- Zach's kidnapping and an embarrassing loss.  We seek revenge.

I look forward to seeing everyone on the field next week.  Those of you who have already called in sick on Thursday, August 25th, I look forward to seeing you at Luckie's next week.  I understand from Brent's most recent email that wearing green this season will indicate one's availability to the opposite sex. This of course means that the Foul Balls will be flaunting their availability all season long.  To prove I'm not concerned, I am giving out Jen's phone number before the season even starts:

AMAH(F)B, NOW WITH 50% MORE KICKBALL!!!