300 Channels and Nothing On: Week 8 Gambling Lines

November of 2012 marked the first time I have had cable television in my home.  Rolling deep on my public school teacher salary, I thought I had finally arrived.  However, little did I know how overwhelmed I would become with first world problems.  I thought I could sink no lower than the moment tonight when I gleefully clicked on “The Departed” on the channel guide, only to find I did not subscribe to that channel.  In this dark hour, Charter Communications threw me a rope in the form of the Smithsonian Channel’s “The Irish in the Civil War”.  I cannot describe my despair when Charter informed me that I also could not access what would have been the most exciting 30 minutes of television this calendar year.  Therefore, this week I bring you television shows you wish were on.

Rumspringa (-7.5) over Kickin Atoms

An idea I’ve been kicking around for a long time now: a fantasy program which features the lives of the Rumspringa team members if they had never discovered kickball.  Spoiler alert, the final scene is a slow pan out of Matt Wellbrock behind the Bank of America CEO’s desk smoking an enormous stogie.

Mythbusters: Kickball Edition.  I think if anyone can make this happen, it’s the members of the Kickin Atoms.  Please bring science to the kickball world, we need to know how many beers optimizes one’s playing ability.

Ballsagna (-1.5) over Chubby Gangsters

Top Chef: War Memorial Parking Lot.  The Chubby Gangsters are the judges every week because they’re chubby…and gangsters.

5 O’Clockers (-5.0) over Peanut Butter Jelly Time

No television show about PBJ can top this: 

A Cheers remake at a Boston bar called “5 O’Clockers”.

The Situation (-9.0) over Foul Balls

C-SPAN: Constantly running text message exchanges between Situation team members with no commentary, just Enya playing in the background.  I have to be honest, I would watch this for about an hour each day if Scott Duncan and Jeremy Edge are co-moderators.  Plus, the life insurance commercials would be entertaining.

DP and the Doc: Buddy cop show featuring Andreas Beyersdorf and Derek Patterson.  This might be the show I want to make happen the most right now.

Pop Pop (-2.5) over Battlestar

Nickelodeon G.U.T.S.: Featuring Alex Jackson, Dominique Smith and Nick Schmidt as the only three contestants on every episode.  Don’t even pretend for a second you wouldn’t tune in to see this every week.

Joe Stump: P.I.  I think this one speaks for itself.

Kick Ass (-5.5) over Chaotic KILFs

HBO Hard Knocks: Kick Ass Edition.  I know everyone wants to know what happens at those practices, let me assure, more pushups are done than you could count.

HBO: Real Sex: KILFs Edition.  Is it really as chaotic as they claim?

Boom! (-7.5) over Ball and Chain Gang

Cops! (and Robbers) The Ball and Chain Gang chases the Boomers! Around Hampton Roads Benny Hill style.  My newest man crush and General Lee’s Beard teammate Travis Cobb leads Boom! from behind his chair like Dr. Claw on Inspector Gadget.  Hilarity ensues.

Just For Kicks (-13.5) over New Kickheads on the Block

The Office: Newport News Shipyard.  Both teams engage in office shenanigans.  Love blossoms.  Freed is Michael Scott.  Freed is also Michael Scarn.

Free Ballin’ (-5.5) over Balls So Hard

Real World: Buckroe Beach.  I just imagine it would be fun to have cameras follow the Free Ballers for a weekend.  The only downside would be that everyone’s taped confessional would just be so damn nice and friendly.