March Madness (n.) informal
1. playing nine kickball games in two inches of water and mud
2. the time of year when the annual NCAA college basketball and WAKA Raptor tournament are played, generally throughout the month of March
Can we please have our best John Candy impersonator do this before the first pitch?
I’m going to assume that at least a dozen of you took the time to watch the video and therefore I will not subject everyone to a John Candy-themed tournament preview. The tournament preview deserves a much more universal theme that really embraces the spirit of competition and reminds us (or just me) of driving to high school.
Who knew VCU basketball coach Shaka Smart had a rap career?
Just for Kicks wrapped up an undefeated season in Week 7 and secured the #1 seed. The Dead Kennedys have held a tight grip on the top spot since Week 1, but have two 0-0 ties on their record against the Foot Snipers in Week 3 and against the Pounders in Week 6. The Pounders made the biggest jump in the final week of regular season action, from fifth in the standings to a #3 seed after a triple-header. The Foot Snipers were shorthanded in their regular season finale, but managed to hold onto the #2 seed despite a loss to the Pounders by virtue of their earlier victory over Kick Ass. The Foul Balls, upon learning they were holding the #8 spot heading into Week 7, were so determined not to be denied their second straight last place season that they ensured there would be no fluke wins by not bothering to show up. We have taken the liberty of breaking the nine teams competing this weekend down into five disastrously confusing divisions that represent their probability of taking home the hardware.
L.L. Cool J Division (Mama said to knock you out!):
1) Just For Kicks
LL is a member of the hip-hop old guard, but has recently found mainstream success “acting” alongside Chris O’Donnell in NCIS: Los Angeles. Bryan Freed is a member of the kickball old guard, and has found recent success starring in WAKA: Raptor. Don’t call it a comeback! There’s not much to say about this team that their record doesn’t already tell us. An astounding +48 run differential over the season is a testament to their tight defense that is solid at nearly every position. As if that weren’t enough, JFK is also the highest scoring team in the Winter season, racking up 6.4 runs per game. The Pounders and the Foot Snipers have been the closest to toppling the JFK juggernaut in 0-0 ties in the regular season, but a hypothetical matchup with either the Pounders or Snipers wouldn’t happen for the Kennedys until the finals. A dominant regular season and the resulting advantageous seeding make JFK an inside favorite to take home their first trophy. Would capturing the title make Coach Freed stop his days of being a violent M.C. and move to the greener pastures of network television?
2) Foot Snipers
The Foot Snipers have recently moved from LL’s hardcore roots into the questionable ballad phase of his career. The Snipers were shorthanded in Week 7 where they lost 7-4 to the Pounders, but also suffered a shocking Week 6 defeat at the hands of All Up in the Bunt. However, when they are able to roll out their starting lineup the Foot Snipers are a deadly group who are setting their sights on winning the inaugural Raptor League Championship. Can they put together their greatest hits collection for the tournament and “Rock the Bells” off the Raptor league?
Method Man Division (What? You thought you wasn’t gonna see me? I’m the Osiris of this…):
3) Peninsula Pounders
The Pounders have spent this season tripping through the 36 chambers of death, kid. After a late February visit to the Shaolin temple in South Florida, the Pounders have returned Reunited (with a double LP, whole world excited!) with the RZA, the GZA, Ghostface Killa, Inspectah Deck and the Old D-D-D-D-Dirty Bastard (Kim Merritt?) The Pounders have looked more like the sum of their impressive parts in recent weeks, but early season struggles have left them with a slightly more difficult path to the finals as the #3 seed with an opening round challenge in All Up in the Bunt. How High can the Pounders fly? If things fall in place, they could ride the wave of the momentum to the finals or they could find themselves making an early exit at the hands of the Bunt.
Coolio Division (C U When You Get There):
4) Frosty Ballin’
5) Kick Ass
The #4 vs. #5 game is a fitting matchup that promises to bring some first round fireworks. These two teams began the season with a 6-3 Frosty Ballin’ win in Week 1 and now both teams have the opportunity to end the other’s season. Also, Kick Ass and Frosty Ballin’ met in Week 6 in a tighter 3-2 Frosty Ballin’ win. This game doesn’t need much hype as the Frosties are faced with the difficult task of beating any team three times in one season and the Kick Ass squad seeks a win against a Ballin’ team that has been their nemesis. El Capitan of the Frosty Ballin’ soldiers chimed in, “Frosty Ballin' is ready to take on Kick Ass for the third time this season. Time to be 3-0 for us! Looking forward to kicking ass all day long. Even missing 4 key players, we're ready!” Both teams have surrendered the 4th most runs per game in the league and Kick Ass is 2nd in scoring, a mere three runs ahead of Frosty Ballin’. They are as statistically similar as Coolio and Weird Al Yankovic’s record sales in 1995, two musicians who famously beefed over royalties from Gangsta’s (Amish) Paradise. History tells us who got the last laugh in that battle, but who will face Alpocalypse on Saturday? Frosty Ballin’s Georgios Kiriazidis had an even bolder prediction, “Frosty Ballin over anyone 14-0. That's for every round.”
Busta Rhymes Divisions (Woo-hah! Got you all in check…maybe?):
6) All Up in the Bunt
One word to describe this team: “Dangerous”. From the mouth of the Commish: “The Bunts are peaking at the right time. Definitely a tough matchup for the first round. Dangerous squad.” Yeah, he probably read this blog before offering this Belichekian wisdom. The Bunt has now officially been anointed as “the team that no one wants to play”. I’m not sure if the term “dark horse” applies if they are everyone’s dark horse. They impressed in Week 6 with a win over the #2 ranked Foot Snipers and a narrow loss to the #1 ranked JFK. In Week 2 the Pounders were able to dominate the Bunt in a 7-0 win, but the Bunt’s recent success makes this 3/6 matchup as anxiously anticipated as the aforementioned 4/5 battle. Can the Bunt make a run in the tournament, or will they go out of style faster than Busta’s dreads?
B-Real (Cypress Hill) Division (Insane in the membrane if you think you have a chance…):
7) Chubby Gangsters
8) Whiskey Kick
9) Foul Balls
The Foul Balls and Whiskey Kick will finally have the opportunity to settle the debate over who is the 8th best team with their play-in rubber match to start the tournament. The Chubby Gangsters have the best chance to put a scare in a higher seeded team and show that “They Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That”. However, early reports indicate that the impending End of Season Party will factor into the B-Real Division’s pregame activities and their collective chances of advancing are about as good as Cypress Hill passing a drug test. Keith Morehart remains slightly more optimistic, stating “at least 95% of the Chubby Gangsters will show up sober on Saturday”. I’ll take that bet Mr. Morehart, no way your team hits 75% sobriety. Staring down some very long odds, Foul Balls Captain Andreas Beyersdorf finally revealed Foul Territory’s evil plan: “'Kickball in the Time of Cholera' -With the condensed winter league schedule, the Foul Balls managerial staff knew the most important thing was to be well rested. Their goal from day 1 was to play just good enough to make the playoffs and then flip the switch. To that end the Foulies sat their entire team last week as all the other teams played on the wet, cholera infested fields. Because of this genius managerial move, don't be surprised if the Pelotas Faltas are the only team able to field a complete team (except for Wade who is patient zero for the cholera outbreak).” Which leads us to our last division….
Space Jam Division:
10) Wade Brock
Even if Wade were able to summon the Looney Tunes, Michael Jordan, Bill Murray and the Monstars after they steal the abilities of Charles Barkley and Larry Bird, he would still probably find a way to ruin the Foul Balls chances in the play-in game. Somehow he has found a way to be ranked below the entire league and even his own team.
Of the nine teams competing in Virginia Raptor, we have six teams that are capable of playing close games with one another on any given day. All predictions aside, this is an incredibly wide open tournament. Several teams could turn the bracket on its head with upsets, so here are our possible upset specials: Round 1: All Up in the Bunt over Peninsula Pounders, Kick Ass over Frosty Ballin’. Round 2: Peninsula Pounders over Foot Snipers, the 4/5 winner over JFK. Round 3: the best team over a worthy opponent.
It would appear that the league Facebook page has hi-jacked the over/under on how many kickballers get kicked out of Manhattan’s this Saturday evening during the EOS Party with a poll. Therefore, we will have to readjust the subject of our line. A new venue that may not be accustomed to our shenanigans has made this bet a real wildcard. Our staff has done some research into what behaviors are acceptable at Manhattans and tested the vigilance of their security staff. Since the league has already voiced its opinion about the individual which will get the boot first on Saturday night, here we will be accepting bets for which team will have the most members kicked out at the end of the evening. Who ya got? Whiskey Kick, Chubby Gangsters and Frosty Ballin’? The overall number for the entire league: 6.5
Make us proud, go out like Suge Knight at the Source Awards.
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