Week 9 Gambling Lines: Come Pick Me Up, Take Me Out...

Nathaniel “Jorts” Johnson spent Tuesday evening enjoying $1 pitchers in a college bar and listening to bad pick-up lines.  Then he wrote these gambling lines while rather drunk.  In the Hampton Roads drinking system, kickballers are represented by two separate yet equally important groups:  the bartenders who serve them; and the local police who try to arrest them.  These are their stories.

Jagernauts (-5.5) over New Kickheads

Do you come here often?  The Jagger-nats have been here for quite some time, but this year they have more reasons to drink their sorrows away.  The Kickheads have been drinking down their sorrows all year.  One team has to emerge with their first win of the season.  It’s going to be the team who has the moves.

Battlestar Ballsacktica (-4.5) over Foul Balls

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.  The Battlestar are starved for win number one, and they will probably crap it out over the Foul Balls in Week 9.  The Foul Balls have had the runs early in the spring season, scoring an impressive 4.40 per game.  Georgios Kirizidas will be coaching the Battlestar from his stool, and he won’t take this one sitting down.  The Battlestar has promised to treat the Foul Balls like a red-headed stepchild….a stepchild they’d like to freak with.

Free Ballin’ (-5.5) over Just Kickin’ It

Did it hurt?  When you fell from heaven.  Free Ballin’ was Free Fallin’ over Mulholland this season, but got their first win on a forfeit call against the 5 O’Clockers last week.  JKI had an impressive 15-1 win over the Kickheads early on, but have been backsliding ever since.  Free Ballin’ gets their first win on the field in Week 9 against a Free Fallin’ JKI squad.

Just For Kicks (-3.0) over Rumspringa

You look just like my mother!  JFK will be reminded of the Rumspringa of old, but the Dead Kennedys will see the return of Jelly Biafra in Week 9.  Don’t be surprised if the Rumspringa turn on the charm against JFK, but history tells us the line needs to favor the Freedsters.  Age and experience has shown that pickup lines are completely unnecessary.

Shake n’ Bake (-3.5) over Moose Knuckles

What’s your sign?  You were born under a bad one if you have to face Shake n’ Bake coming off of a tough Week 8 loss.  The Knuckles will have some key players back, but it won’t be enough to slow the Shake n ‘ Bake offense which is angry and cooking at 450 degrees.

5 O’Clockers (-5.0) over Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Do your feet hurt? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.  The 5 O’Clockers will run through the PBJs mind long after this one ends.  The Obershaws will see black crossing the plate in their nightmares for weeks to come.  I’m new in town, could you give me directions to your apartment?

Burning Bridges (-3.5) over Chicken Tetrazzini

There’s something wrong with my cell phone, it doesn’t have your number in it.  Not a lot of history between these two teams.  The Angry Birds have been up and down this season, much like the Burning Bridges.  The Bridges have taken their early lumps against tough competition and they will finally show the form that took the4m to a #1 seed in the fall season against the CTs.

Kick Ass (-2.5) over Chubby Gangsters

If this bar is a meat market, then you must be the prime rib.  When I hear prime rib, me and Keith Morehart say “CAN’T WAIT!!!”  Hello, my name is Doug.  That’s God spelled backwards with a little “U” wrapped up in it.  Lots of chatter and side bets heading into this matchup of the #1 and (tied for) #2 team in the current standings.  The experts see Kick Ass continuing their roll, but don’t expect the Gangsters to give it up that easy.

Just For Kicks vs. 5 O’Clockers Pick ‘em

You remind me of someone I used to know.  These two teams have been doing it for a long time in WAKA Virginia Peninsula and they have been doing it extremely well.  Only one team will end up doing the other.  We will leave it up to you to decide who does who in.