The Ivan Dragos Manifesto

The Ivan Dragos Manifesto: Kickball is the Opiate of the Massses
by Andreas Beyersdorf, ID

Comrades,

Do you know why Napoleon failed to conquer Europe? He attacked Mother Russia.
Do you know why Hitler lost the War? He betrayed Mother Russia.
Do you know why Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen had to die? They defied Mother Russia.
Do you know why the U.S. basketball team lost the Gold Medal at the 1972 Olympics? Well, we kind of cheated there.
But, do you know why the last Indiana Jones sucked? He dared take on Mother Russia (and because Shia LaBeouf blows).
When you attack the Soviet Union, we break you!

Now, America’s “free” press (led by a man who defiles precious blue jeans) is trying to create a red scare about the evils of Team Ivan Drago. Well you know what, you should be scared. It is a matter of size. Evolution, isn't it? The Ivan Dragos are the most perfectly trained athletes ever. These other teams have not the size, the strength, the “genetics” to win. It is physically impossible for these little teams to win. The Dragos are a look at the future!

Led by Jesse Jones (P/OF) and Bryan Peña (OF/C) - our Lenin and Marx so to speak - the Dragos selected the perfect team (get ready for a wave of horribly tenuous connections between kickball players and famous Soviets):

Our first pick Joe Preseault (Ch) will lead us much like Joseph Stalin led the USSR to victory - except hopefully with less purges. Then in the second round, inspired by the speed of Pavel “The Russian Rocket” Bure, we nabbed Guy Sumrell (C).

Next, a team named after the greatest Soviet boxer needs to have a version of the best current boxer – Vitali “Dr. Ironfist” Klitschko. Thus to provide some kicking power and solidify our defense, we picked up Patrick “PJ” Jones (1B).

In my opinion, the best female athlete available in the draft, Jillian Simms (OF/IF) - the "Sparrow from Windsor" - will dominate like Olga Korbut - the "Sparrow from Minsk" - at the 1972 Olympics.

With the fifth pick, we drafted a champion – the 5 O’Clockers Jeff Pauley (U) – much like Ivan Drago is champion of all boxing. And just like Ivan Drago is good at many things – punching stuff, elocution, gelling his hair, punching stuff – Jeff is an all-around player able to help out at multiple positions.


In the later rounds our great leaders couldn’t pass up Karen “The Silent Killer” Savell (OF/IF) what with our history of Soviet-trained assassins including Lee Harvey Oswald, who killed your chowder-swilling president.

For our propaganda press department, we selected the best and only entertaining part of the “3Up, 3 Down” Podcast – Matt Wellbrock (P/OF). Compared to the other stiffs on the podcast he’s a modern day Yakov Smirnoff – in Soviet Russia, kickball plays you. And to help with our Bar Buzz scores we have Trici Frederick (OF/IF). I could compare her to Vyacheslav Molotov because of her strategery but mainly it’s because he has a cocktail named after him which seemed fitting.

Before we even played a game, Erin Welch (OF/IF) has proven to be a good pick-up providing motivation during our first practice. At one point she even banged her shoe against a tree to get our attention – ala Nikita Kruschev. And rated as an “A” in kickball knowledge, Brent Obershaw (OF) is our own Garry Kasparov, the great chess grandmaster.

In a grand piece of strategy, the Dragos lead the league in the number of “Jesse”s. And if Jesse Jones is our Vladimir Lenin, then Jesse Rogers (OF) is our Vladimir Putin, the current Russian President and a pretty scary guy. I have a feeling Jesse will scare defenses throughout the Patriot League. And we’ll say Jessie Kotula (OF/IF) is the other “Lenin” – John Lennon. And yes, let’s face it, the Beatles were commies. After all they did write a song called “Back in the U.S.S.R.” about how much they loved the country.

Contemporary opinions see Brad Gault (OF) variously as a saintly mystic, visionary, healer and prophet or, on the contrary, as a debauched religious charlatan. Because of this (but mainly because he’s the only member of our team with a full beard) he is our version of Grigori Rasputin, the man who brought about the end of the Russian Tsars.

Rounding out the drafted players, we have Laura Schmitt (OF/IF). I don’t think I have met her (or at least not while not drinking) but according to her facebook page she plays for a championship field hockey team so she’s probably good at sports much like Nina Ponomaryova, the first Soviet Olympic Champion.

Finally, in the brief free agency period following the draft, the Dragos stealthily signed free agent Andreas Beyersdorf (S). Andreas didn’t intend on playing in the Patriot League but decided to sign on with the Dragos after seeing the awesome team that had been drafted. But Team America believes he’s a traitor and a double agent - much like super sexy spy Anna Chapman. The only difference is Andreas is much, much sexier.

As for our opponents, we do not care what flowery words they use to describe their team and their ideals. We do not care what pretty, little songs they sing about their hopes and their dreams. We don’t care how many images there are of fools holding a flag in front of their face or of eagles flying over mountains. This war will not be a cold war or a proxy war but must be settled with direct military action on the kickball field. Do not worry about bringing a towel for we will not stop. We will not stop until we break you.

Our name is the Ivan Dragos. We are a team from the Soviet Union. We fight all our life and we never lose. Soon we fight Team America, and the world will see their defeat. Soon, the whole world will know our name.