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| The author caught triple fisting pounders. |
Six weeks have flown by. The burning passion I feel for my Foul Balls have made those weeks magical. Unfortunately, I have bad news for the Foulies and our many fans: The honeymoon is over. The days of me friending my new teammates on Facebook at 5:30 a.m. are gone. I haven't woken up to find Mimi Gill on a futon, hammock or back patio in weeks. The memories are growing hazier by the day, and not due to over imbibing, as I would prefer. I don't know what happened, or what I could have done wrong. I'm a wreck without my Foul Balls. How bad off have I been? I voluntarily went to see Something Borrowed Sunday night. I'm going to continue under the assumption that all of my readers have enjoyed this triumph of American cinema and will follow this overly ambitious and tedious comparison. First and foremost, I am John Krasinki's (Jim Halpert of The Office fame) character in this scenario for a number of reasons. I am tall and Hollywood handsome, this is my article, and we share the sorrow of unrequited love. I have always been there for the Foul Balls. However, lately, Foulies have been seeking comfort in the arms of another and then offering thinly veiled excuses for their infidelities: walking pneumonia, torn hamstrings, being questioned by the local authorities, deployments, and even an exotic Carribean vacation. So for those of you following along at home, the team is Kate Hudson in this scenario, getting knocked up by a brute with unfortunate facial hair. In addition, I think I can be frank and inform my team that you are no longer Almost Famous-era Kate Hudson. The phone isn't ringing with award-caliber offers anymore and you're stuck with me in romantic comedy purgatory for the rest of your career. (MAJOR SPOILER ALERT) I'm not familiar with any of the other actors in this film and I'm still not entirely certain how the two souless cheaters end up together or why the audience is supposed to be happy about this development, so this bloated analogy will have to end here.
Let me provide some insight into the situation for any painfully bored men still reading along at work. I'm Andrew Bynum in the post-game interview and I'm letting the WAKA world know, "We have trust issues." In this scenario, I am Lakers' center Pau Gasol. The explanation is very similar to me being John Krasinski: I'm tall, I have a sweet beard and I don't play defense. Now, I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that Kobe Bryant and his wife are ruining my engagement to Foul Balls, but someone or something out there is trying to shatter this beautiful bond forged in the heat of a Daniel Pierce dance floor explosion. On our last trip to War Memorial, we experienced the same fate as the Lakers in Game 4 as we were pounded by Moose Knuckles 16-2. I made a promise to never stoop to sophmoric wordplay in this blog, but I just feel dirty just typing the phrase "pounded by Moose Knuckles". Afterwards, we were able to share a few pounders with the Moose Knuckles , and I'm sending out a an official Foul Balls double-fisted, two knuckle salute to our new friends.
Let me provide some insight into the situation for any painfully bored men still reading along at work. I'm Andrew Bynum in the post-game interview and I'm letting the WAKA world know, "We have trust issues." In this scenario, I am Lakers' center Pau Gasol. The explanation is very similar to me being John Krasinski: I'm tall, I have a sweet beard and I don't play defense. Now, I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that Kobe Bryant and his wife are ruining my engagement to Foul Balls, but someone or something out there is trying to shatter this beautiful bond forged in the heat of a Daniel Pierce dance floor explosion. On our last trip to War Memorial, we experienced the same fate as the Lakers in Game 4 as we were pounded by Moose Knuckles 16-2. I made a promise to never stoop to sophmoric wordplay in this blog, but I just feel dirty just typing the phrase "pounded by Moose Knuckles". Afterwards, we were able to share a few pounders with the Moose Knuckles , and I'm sending out a an official Foul Balls double-fisted, two knuckle salute to our new friends.
I don't want to dwell too much on the past here. It's the spring of the year, love is in the air and hope springs eternal. I say these things because I love my Foul Balls. I'm putting my heart on the line here. I've been sleepless in Suffolk and now I'm waiting on the observation deck for my team. I'm outside team headquarters in a duster with my boombox over my head pumping Peter Gabriel and I'm willing to say anything to have you back. I'm afloat on a sea of emotion and Bud Light letting you know that despite the titanic odds we face every week on the field, I'll never let you go.
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| Bromance? |
Couple of the Week (Week 4): John Maxxx and Zach Galifianakis. Yes, that Zach Galifianakis. Maxxxx had been coy all season long about his celebrity friend, so imagine our surprise when the star of Out Cold joined us for an evening of revelry at Luckie's. Zach dutifully donned his kelly green FB jersey and lined up for a seven game flip cup series and fielded some very forward propositions from the female WAKA population. Sadly, like a true Foulie, Zach's natural sex appeal was also his downfall that evening and he is no longer able to stand on his own. He informed me on the ride home that if he was unable to be effectively taped back together, he would try to contact another one of his celebrity friends to take his place in future weeks. Note: This was an agonizing decision as Daniel and Mimi put in another courageous effort to take home COTW.
Couple of the Week (Week 5): Foul Balls and Responsibility. We don't want to become a nag here at AMAH(F)B, but we feel the need to reiterate our earlier message: get silly on the field, get silly at Luckie's, but always have a safe plan to get home. Runner-up COTW goes to the newly engaged Commisioner Couple, we hope you don't mind taking a backseat to sober driving. A hearty two Ball salute from the Foul Balls.
Couple of the Week (Week 5): Foul Balls and Responsibility. We don't want to become a nag here at AMAH(F)B, but we feel the need to reiterate our earlier message: get silly on the field, get silly at Luckie's, but always have a safe plan to get home. Runner-up COTW goes to the newly engaged Commisioner Couple, we hope you don't mind taking a backseat to sober driving. A hearty two Ball salute from the Foul Balls.
Let's kick off Week 6 with our love song of the week for Weeks 4/5.
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