AMAH(F)B: STFU

by Nathaniel Johnson, Foul Balls

Week 11 found the Foul Balls staring down JFK the same way that J.F.K. stared down the evil forces of Communism in the early 1960s.  With a steely eye and a mouth full of grit, the Foulies adopted  their most absurd Southie Boston accents and asked not what the Foul Balls could do for them, but what they could do for the Foul Balls.  For Marie Harper this meant risking life and limb to set a new land speed record from Williamsburg to Memorial Field in time for the first pitch.  For Antoinette McCarter, this meant dipping out of class early to ensure a fourth female player to avoid the shame of a forfeit.  We decided that like the Bay of Pigs fiasco we would rush into the fray undermanned, underfunded and underdogs.  Inspired by our 35th president, the Foul Balls chose to adopt an original J.F.K. strategy.  Containment seemed like too conservative a choice, plus it was a policy that carried our nation into the Vietnam War.  Instead we settled on our own JFK strategy: Just Fu*kin Kick.  We carpet bombed our opponents defense with a thunderous barrage of booted balls which netted us a well-deserved run. 

In a game that featured only 8 players on the Foul Balls squad, every player deserves to be mentioned in the player of the game discussion.  Our unique approach to pitching continues to cause some level of confusion among the upper tiered teams who are conditioned to kicking against fireball pitchers.  Kicking against Gang Green is like trying to catch a butterfly instead of an F-22.  It is an equally difficult task, but far more embarassing when you fail.  Mimi Gill started the game off and was followed by Jen Nardi making her career pitching debut in relief.  William Johnson and Antoinette McCarter did their best to cover a wide open outfield while Brandon Darling....well, Brandon got a lot of texting done in rightfield.  Marie Harper continued to be the rock on which this team tenuously perches by putting in time at third/center/second. Daniel Pierce made some nifty outs from the catcher position as well as plating our only run of the night on a Nathaniel Johnson RKI blast up the middle.  Since this is most likely Nathaniel Johnson's last column of the year, Nathaniel Johnson is going to get as many miles out of praising himself in the third person as he can.  Nathaniel Johnson continued his adjustment to playing charger for the Foul Balls and continued his meteoric rise into the rare air of Foul Balls greats.  When reached for comment, Nathaniel Johnson said, "Nathaniel Johnson is just out there being the best Nathaniel Johnson that he can be." 

If I may digress for a moment...has there been a team more consistent team than the Foul Balls in the last four weeks?  After a brutal May 11th loss to the 5 O'Clockers, Gang Green declining numbers on the sideline, but an increase in on-field production.  This inverse relationship has Foul Balls scholars puzzled, so we turned to Greg Moore of the Chubby Gangsters who explained the addition by subtraction of Andreas Beyersdorf principle (we love you Andy, come back from whatever top secret atmospheric pressure reading balloon the government has you floating in).   We have posted one solid earned run per game over the past three weeks against upper echelon competition.   Most importantly, we are 4-0 against the spread over the past month, but that can mostly be attributed to our string of 6:30 start times.  Week 12 has the Foulies taking the field at 8:30, so alcohol and the mafia may conspire to set up an epic Foul Balls dive which would surely rock the Peninsula League to its very core.

Week 11 Song of the Week is a classic anti-war folk tune which has been following me around as I skip around the basepaths of life.  "Sunshine" was a major hit for Jonathan Edwards in the Vietnam era as a rallying call for the peace movement. JFK began American involvement in the Vietnam theater.  The Vietnam war caused a deep division in American society and ensnared our military in a quagmire which would prove to be our first major military defeat.  J.F.K. was born in Brookline, Massachusetts.  Jonathan Edwards was born in Boston, Massachusetts.  These facts beg the question: are Just For Kicks responsible for all that ails our otherwise great nation? Probably.  Did the Foul Balls show extreme bravery in standing up to tyranny against overwhelming odds like the patriots of old?  Undoubtedly.  Was Profiles in Courage ghostwritten for J.F.K.? Possibly. Are all of these facts completely non-sequitor? Sure.

Week 12 Preview: Rumspringa.  Prepare to be boarded.