by Nathaniel "Jorts" Johnson, Foul Balls
The Fall 2011 regular season has now concluded. Every win, loss, run scored, run kicked in, WHIP, RKI, QBR, 3PTFG%, SV and VORP statistic has been recorded in the dusty tome that sits in a place of honor deep within the Commissioner's kickball cave of solace. If you ever dare to attempt reaching the book, just remember that in the Latin Alphabet Jehovah begins with an "I". Many/some/a couple of you have read/seen Moneyball by Michael Lewis and maintain that the basic tenets of that book apply to kickball. However, I have learned from listening the incessant chirping of the kickball community that this is not true in the wide, wonderful world of WAKA. Despite the fact that kickball is essentially baseball with your feet, and baseball is the sport most suited to statistical analysis, I have learned in my research that the numbers are terribly misleading. Therefore, I bring you the real story behind the Foul Balls Fall 2011 campaign.
Week 3: Free Ballin' 4, Foul Balls 1. We accept full responsibility for how close this game turned out. Our filthy, devious plan to lose the first two games by wide margins caught Free Ballin' completely off guard. I want to go on record for the entire team and apologize for this performance. We had no right playing this well. Free Ballin' is way better than this score indicates.
Week 4: Battlestar Ballsacktica 8, Foul Balls 1. Previous reports in the GMOT from the Battlestar camp indicated we scored our sole run of the contest on a muffed fly ball. The truth behind this run is much, much worse. The Jorts reached on a single, was advanced to second and then went second to home on an ill-advised Battlestar throwing error. Jorts and his beer gut had no business advancing two bases on a single play. I apologize personally for this kickball faux pas. Battlestar Ballsacktica is way better than this score indicates.
Week 5/6: It rained. The weather in Hampton Roads is way better than this fortnight indicated.
Week 8: Chubby Gangsters 8, Foul Balls 7. Yeah, this one was pretty much right on target.
Week 9: Burning Bridges 3, Foul Balls 0. Lick It Before You Kick It 6, Foul Balls 3. We shouldn't have had our entire starting lineup in attendance in Week 9. Even with the advantage of a full complement of players, these box scores don't tell the entire tale. Lick It was celebrating "Bring Your Grandmother to WAKA Wednesday Week" and had their maternal grandmothers play the second and third innings, while their paternal grandmothers finished us off in the fourth and fifth frames. Those biddies can friggin' roll man. So you can see, the Lick It starters only had one inning to build their lead and we probably scored those three runs because of broken hips and the mid-game announcement of the opening of a new Old Country Buffet. When reached for comment, Lick It captain George Kiriazidis had this to say: "The girls vs girls game was way better than trying to apply the mercy rule like most teams would but agreed. It was 43 mins way too long. Lol" If anyone can figure out what this means, please contact me as soon as possible so I can complete this column. Oh, and Burning Bridges and Lick It Before You Kick It are way better than these scores indicate.
Week 11: Shake N Bake 13, Foul Balls 0. Seems about right. I assumed this was our tenth mercy rule game of the season, but I guess I was wrong. No idea where I got that notion. It took until Week 11 for a team to finally play to its full potential against the Foul Balls. What took you so long?
Week 12: Chicken Tetrazzini (Forfeit), Foul Balls (Forfeit). Both teams exceeded expectations by having enough pride to (mostly) show up for the last week of the season. The Foul Balls are a lot better than this score indicates.
That's it. It's been a pleasure producing AMAH(F)B over the course of the past two seasons and I hope someone other than Brent enjoyed my angry, rambling diatribes. The Foul Balls have vowed to play down to their potential this Saturday.
This is our weekend; Shoes and socks, baby socks and shoes.
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