Meet the Chubby Gangsters!

by Keith Morehart, Chubby Gangsters

Do you guys smell that? I believe… yeah, that’s the smell of freshly cut grass, beer, and big rubber balls. That can only mean one thing. WAKA Spring Kickball starts this week and love is in the air. Love for a sport played by children and drunk adults all around the world. Love for a sport where the battle at the bar is just as important as the battle on the field. Love for the greatest thing in adult entertainment since Al Gore invented the internet.

For those of you who were able to join us on the frozen tundra for WAKA Raptor over the winter, if you’re anything like me, you’re chomping at the bit to get this facet of your life going again. For those of you who haven’t played since fall 2011… I honestly don’t know how you’re still breathing right now. And for those of you that are entering their first season of adult kickball, you are about to experience what a Wednesday night should feel like.

Let’s get down to this Chubby Gangster preview.

Quite simply, The Chubby’s have been a staple in this league for quite a while, and are damn proud of their reputation that precedes them. They were given the moniker during the winter season as, “the most enthusiastic team in WAKA.”  I can tell you now, the CG’s don’t plan on relinquishing that title this season. They pride their selves on being fun both on and off the field, and while they are definitely stepping up their competition this year, their number one priority is to ensure every game they’re in is just a pre-cursor to the shenanigans they will be getting into at Luckie’s afterward.

Now if you pay attention you will notice there are going to be a lot of new faces wearing the Chubby Gangster Blue (when is WAKA going to change the name of the color already? We all know which team is more famous for donning this particular blue). But let’s talk about all the wily veterans returning.

First and foremost is our captain and inspiration for everything we do, Buster Patterson. His ability to say, “fuck it, and let’s just have fun!” is what keeps this team together. He likes to win just as much as the next person, and while The Chubby’s don’t get the W as frequently as some of the other teams, Buster’s ability to keep us focused on the import things in the game (“Everyone’s going to the bar afterwards right?”) is what makes us exactly what we are happy being. 

Then you have all the lovely ladies returning that are quite literally the backbone of this team; Melissa Rarick, Jessica Martin, Erika Chakra, and Emily Cook. The original Four Horsemen have nothing on these girls (I’m speaking of the Ric Flair bunch, not of the Apocalypse). They come chock full of so much experience on the field and are a main reason why we are “the most enthusiastic”. They will be laying down bunts, shagging down flies (maybe even playing 1^st, right Erika??), and taking shots at the bar with more grit and determination than anyone in the league. Watch out!

There are two gentlemen returning that instantly add class and hustle to the field of play and are automatic game-changers. Our returning 1^st baseman, Thane Osterdahl is coming back for more, and determined to help make us well-rounded and a threat on the bag and the base paths. And Mikey Nobile brings not only a ton of laughs, but more beard and hustle than any other individual in WAKA. In fact, there is so much hustle in this man, we were able to witness the most graceful bare-assed slide last season simply because he was moving faster than his pants. Mikey, do us a favor though, and keep your pants on. We’re not that serious about winning.

Also returning are the crowned “Cutest Couple of WAKA VA Raptor 2012” Eric Hecker and Kristen Mechling. Eric was asked to fill a lot of empty spots during Raptor and came through with vigor and perseverance and easily became one of our most versatile players on the field. He can kick, he can catch, and he can throw. But can he drink? Oh, we will find out. And his lady friend, Kristen, is one of the most fun players on the field. You can tell she is out there having fun with every play of every game.

Speaking of couples, there is also Elizabeth Ricker and David Tortolini. They could have given Eric & Kristen a run at their “Cutest Couple” title, but David was out for a majority of the season due to an injured groin and rising housing market. Nevertheless, they bring as much fire as anyone. Whether you’ve paid attention or not, Liz is one of the most productive women in WAKA. While we didn’t keep stats, she was probably the Gangster’s highest run producer in the fall, and with various holes during the winter was relied on to be a lead-off batter. And despite several players head hunting her on the base paths (quite literally, I think he was hit in the head twice during winter), she never gave up and still made them pay with laser bunts. David is no slouch either. While he only played in a few games during the winter (his first WAKA season), he has proven he can play any position on the field and could easily be a lead-off kicker on most teams in WAKA (as long as he stretches beforehand).

The Brother’s Morehart are determined to add flair to this team to compete in both arena’s of WAKA kickball. While Geoff Morehart is quite possibly one of the most athletic players on the field (if you beg to differ him dare him to a 100 burpee challenge – you’ll regret it shortly after the one-legged burpees) he is going to be amongst the talks for top catchers in the league, as well as biggest foot in the league (just ask Whiskey Kick). Keith Morehart is going to ensure the Chubby’s competition in the bar raises to the standards of the Bar Belt voters. Either way, they have both worked on their game during the off-season and have added some pitching depth so Buster doesn’t have to carry the load.

We have a few sophomores returning from their winter campaign in WAKA, planning on adding to the depth and ability of your beloved CG’s. Tiffany Morehart [the most loving, beautiful, brilliant wife and baby-momma in WAKA (Sorry, I take every opportunity to get husband points I can)] is coming back because she just couldn’t get enough kickball in her life. A one-time “hater” (I used to get joked on for playing kickball, can you believe that?), she has seen the light and realized the error of her ways and knows she couldn’t ask for a better bunch of people to spend a Wednesday night with, even if it does keep her up passed her 8:00 bedtime. Our other sophomore is Eric Olsen. A student of the game, He spent all of winter and the short offseason learning the in’s & out’s of the game of kickball, even so much as training with some of the most notable names around the league. During Kickballpalooza he was seen getting pointers from both Bryan “No Shoes” Moore and Manny “Kick Ass” Anderson.

While we obviously have a big chunk of our team returning, there are also quite a few new faces to the Chubby Gangsters you will notice this season. We have two members, while they aren’t necessarily new to WAKA, they are new to the greatest team in the league (That’s us, just in case you weren’t picking up what I was putting down). Rodney Huffman has played several previous seasons with Rumspringa, and after taking a season or two off is ready to make his return to the pitch and help contribute to on-field productivity and barroom debauchery. He has had little time to practice with the Gangster’s (none actually, because he was scared to come play in the rain!) but his scouting report tells us that he is, if nothing else, a good time. Ashley Graves is a returning player who will be donning Chubby Gangster blue for the first time. She spent the winter on All Up in the Bunt, and while she is still green and learning the game, she is still one of the most athletic girls in the league, which only bodes well for her progress. I can attest to her speed and ability to flip heavy objects and swing a kettlebell. I have no idea whether that translates to kickball, but either way she could probably kick your ass.

Last but not least we have 4 entirely new fresh faces to the sport of kickball. First up is Matt “Doogie” MacDougall. He has only played in one kickball game in his adult life and that was Kickballpalooza. But while he was out there, he was earning respect from several league pundits, saying, “That kid is going to be good. He’s fast as hell.” The intention is to fill our charger spot with him, and while I can guarantee you he’ll be affective anywhere we put him, if he can handle charger… y’all better watch out! Jessica Kotula is a new face, but is not new to kicking balls. She has been playing soccer for 37 years and has shown she can put the ball where she wants to. If you are sleeping on our girls (get your minds out of the gutter) then you will end up paying for it, just saying. Andy Kyser is one of our recruits this year, and while he lives and breath’s Hockey, he is an overall sports fan and runner. He has already proven he’s going to make you pay if you’re kicking into his outfield and with his speed and athletic ability, he’ll be tearing up base paths before you know it. And to round out our team is Timothy Renwick. I can attest to his speed even if I haven’t seen him play much kickball yet. I do know he enjoyed his first experience at Kickballpalooza and is amped for the season to start. If nothing else, he is currently going through the police academy, so if you decide to be a d-bag on the field, we’ll just have him throw up in the paddy-wagon.

I know you’re tired of reading, but I just have one more thing to divulge. Chubby Gangster’s this year would like to try something new to any team willing to participate. We’ve realized we are awful at Rochambeau and would like to offer a challenge to any and all teams in WAKA spring to allow a friendly shot gunning competition to determine homefield advantage. Chubby’s will provide the booze (it will probably just be Bud Light unless you have another request), you just need to provide the balls to accept our challenge. That’s right, I went there. Good luck!

Okay, so I lied, this is my last bit. I would like to provide a couple predictions and trash talking just for friendly-competitive spirit.

Prediction #1: Chubby Gangsters will win more games than they lose this season (we will go at least 6-5… AT LEAST!)

Prediction #2: Chubby Gangster’s will win the bar belt at least once this season. Even if it is Wednesday June 6^th, which is a very important birthday that we will all be celebrating (it’s my birthday, by the way – any volunteers for babysitting me? My wife already said no)

Lastly here are some shit-talking quotes from some of my fellow teammates:

“I plan on getting Barefoot out this season!” -Doogie[I believe he means No Shoes – he’s new]

“ Doogie and I will be the best catcher charger combo in the league.” –Geoff Morehart [I wouldn’t sleep on this prediction. They haven’t played together yet, but I would not be surprised if they make it extremely difficult for even the best bunters]

“JFK will lose again.” –Rodney Huffman [That’s just mean Rodney]

“Chubby Gangster’s will be all over Shake ‘n Bake like stank on shit.” –Eric Olsen [That will prove to be extremely difficult… seeing as they’re not on our schedule. But that’s why I like it, he’s already looking toward to the tournament. I also believe this is induced because his wife signed up as a free agent and was placed on Shake ‘n Bake]

Is it Wednesday yet?!?!?!?!?!?