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| Don't sleep on America. |
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for
one people to dissolve the kickball teams which have connected them with
another, and to draft among the powers of the Peninsula, the separate and equal
station to which the Laws of Kickball and of Kickball's God entitle them, a
decent respect to the opinions of the League requires that they should declare
the causes which impel them to the separation and form a more perfect union of
Kickball talent.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that while all men
are created equal, and that they are endowed by their Creator with certain
unalienable Rights, but only those who align themselves with a team which shall
call itself America shall be entitled to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of
Kickball perfection.
That to secure these rights, America has gathered the
greatest kickball team the Peninsula has ever known, deriving their just powers
from the consent of their players, That whenever any team of dirty commie reds
becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People of America to
alter or to demolish them on the field, and to institute a new world order,
laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such
form, by placing the long regal South Florida Condor on the mound. Prudence,
indeed, will dictate that Ricky Holmes’ long established domination at charger
and lead-off kicker should not be changed for light and transient causes; and
accordingly all experience hath shewn, that Kim Merritt may have written this
very document, yet will still bring his myriad talents and experiences to any
station on a kickball field or naval vessel he may be called to serve upon. But
when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same
Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their
right, it is their duty, to throw off such teams formed outside of the draft,
and to provide new Guards of Commissioner Keith Morehart roaming the outfield
like a gazelle and Justin Waddles cementing our borders for their future
security and sanctity of the WAKA kickball community.
Be it so resolved that;
John LaNeave, that paragon of kickball consistency and
overall excellence shall defend the home plate from all enemies, foreign and
domestic, while bunting at an average C-rated level;
That, Andrew Kyser, heretofore known as Manos, The Hands of
Fate, shall consider any missile sent flying in the direction of our homeland
as an act of war, and respond, without prejudice, by intercepting said missile
and returning it against America’s foes with a power tenfold;
That, Andy Tapley, having been a steadfast defender of our
great nation’s seas and space stations, shall rain justice on the unsuspecting
outfields of the world;
That, Garrett Davis, upon whose beard the very foundations
of freedom may be built, shall strike fear deep into the enemies of America
with a steely gaze, a mouth full of grit and a burning patriotism that’s gone
full tilt;
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our female
brethren. We have warned other teams from time to time of attempts by their defense
to extend an unwarrantable overlooking of them. We have reminded them of the lifetime
of kickball knowledge possessed by Andrea Hoffman, Sara Ruch, Julie Kittelson,
Alison Easterday, Emily Cook, and Crissy
Accordino. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we
have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these
usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and
correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of
consanguinity. They do fear the line drives of justice leaping from the mighty
feet of Madams Kittelson and Ruch. They
do not fear the sure hands of Lady Hoffman at third and Lady Cook in the outer
fields of battle. Nor do they respect
the righteous bunts of Miss Easterday and Mrs. Accordino. The foolish hubris of America’s foes will not
go unpunished in this great battle. We
must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation,
and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in Kickball, in Peace at
the Cactus.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of
America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the
world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of
the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these
united kickballers are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States;
that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to any other kickball team, and that
all political connection between them and the State of WAKA, is and ought to be
totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent players, they have full
Power to levy bunts, conclude home runs, contract foul outs, establish rallies
consisting of a multitude of runs, and to do all other Acts and Things which
Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration,
with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge
to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
Signed this day, the 4th of July, in the year of our Lord, Two Thousand and Twelve,
Captain E. Nathaniel "Jorts" Johnson
Captain Emily Ross Cook
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