Week 3 Gambling Lines: Cold War Kickball

It’s a cold day in late April, three weeks into the “spring” 2013 WAKA VA Peninsula kickball season.  Brent is getting a tan on the beaches of Costa Rica with his lovely wife and Wellbrock went camping in a freezing typhoon, so we couldn’t hold our weekly Yalta Conference.  I guess I’m left out in the cold all alone.  Lucky for you kickballers, when I’m cold and lonely…I make Cold War gambling lines for Week 3!  Meatheads, go ahead and scroll down to your team.  Loyal readers, hang on for wild ride through history’s most famous war of words played out over one blog post and nine kickball games.

This is serious.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time (-4.0) over Who’s Driving Home

Who’s Driving Home? No one, the KGB has taken your car and replaced it with a broken down white Yugo.  No government interference so far in the privately owned kickball winning business run by the peanut butter pounding patriots in purple. 

Foul Balls (-4.5) over Chicken Tetrazzini

For 13 days in November, the world held its breath as President John F. Kennedy stared down the Soviet Union with a naval blockade stopping ICBMs from being placed in Cuba.  It’s exactly like trying to negotiate with Foul Balls leadership, one must be firm and flex your muscles and look directly into Andreas Beyersdorf’s eyes and ask “have you no sense of decency, sir?”.  The Foul Balls relaunch their winning ways in Week 3.  However, in the alternate reality of Stephen King's 11/22/63, Adam Henry rockets a walk-off solo home run into the crowd to signify the end of his batchelorhood.  

Moose Knuckles (-1.0) over Rumspringa

Mr. Edge-achev…tear down this wall!  The wall between your heart and the rest of this league must fall (#getbetteredge).  Also, the wall between the White Knucklers kickers and the scoreboard must fall if they hope to move into the win column this week.  The Rumspringa won’t make it easy in this battle of two teams in search of their first win after two difficult early contests.

Dirty Mike and the Boyz vs. the Misfits: Pick ‘Em

During the height of the Cold War, the American counter-culture movement emerged and the music of peace and love dominated the AM radio waves.  Dirty Mike and the Boyz are all about sharing free love and will have a screw party in a pretty Prius at the drop of a hat.  The Misfits crank out hardcore punk rock, the direct antithesis of the music which hippies love.  It’s the war for America’s capitalist soul…and the winner has yet to be determined.  Either way, America wins.

Free Ballin’ (-1.0) over Kick Ass

SALT treaties between the two sides in this contest have been progressing well in recent seasons as these two rivals have cooled towards one another.  Don’t expect Perestroika when Free Ballin’ and Kick Ass meet at War Memorial this Wednesday night.  Being free to free ball is everything the democratic nations of the west stood for, meanwhile Kick Ass wears the ice grey of a dark and repressive communist regime.  A battle of ideologies between MKEH and EAAKAM is set.

New Kickheads (-0.5) over Chubby Gangsters

New Kickheads tied The Misfits and the Chubby Gangsters lost to the same team by a run.  Based on these results, the house has to favor the Kickheads, but this is as close to a toss-up as you can get.  Just like life behind the Iron Curtain, there are lots of unknowns in this game.

5 O’Clockers (-0.5) over Pop Pop

The Korean War ended in a stalemate and in all likelihood, this one would as well.  The real war in this battle for first place will be between the Pop Pop stout SDI defense system, and the powerful 5 O’Clocker arsenal.  The most razor thin of edges goes to the Clockers after a big win in Week 2, but don’t be surprised if they wake up Thursday and realize “It’s Mourning in America” (that was an extremely layered joke which I can only hope gets through to Kim Merritt).

Kick Ass (-2.5) over Dirty Mike and the Boyz

We’re just here to put some D’s in A’s.  Henry Kissinger style.

That Just Happened (-1.0) over Battlestar

The Battlestar will try to give Geoff Morehart and company the Rosenbergs treatment when he returns to the home front.  Senator Joe McCarthy would be proud of the propaganda George Kirizidas and Karen Savell have been disseminating on what should happen to known enemies of the state.

A touching Cold War anthem.