Parent-teacher conference day has come and gone. We all remember the day fondly. Arriving with your parents in an empty
classroom only to have your shortcomings and embarrassing behavior revealed
before disappointed and totally unsuspecting parents. WAKA VA Peninsula teams will meet the same
fate in this mid-season/gambling lines blog.
Prepare to be judged, bagged, tagged, and sent to the butcher (except
you Jeremy Edge, you just got married so I’ll let your wife take care of emasculating
you). I’m going to sit down with each
and every one of you and give you the straight truth as I read from my grade
book in an eerie monotone.
Just For Kicks (A, -8.5) over Ball and Chain Gang
(Incomplete)
JFK, you have overachieved.
Your effort on homework and ability to purchase low-cost East Coast
flights has been duly noted. Throw Bryan
Freed in for William Shatner in Priceline commercials, and I might visit that
website. This would have been the end of
the story, if it wasn’t for JFK’s impressive 3-2 win over Kick Ass October 2nd
and their 2-1 win over Pop Pop.
With or without their Northern Exposure Khargar, JFK is a force to be
reckoned with. They earn an A for
effort, and an A for “accept they will be here” come championship time. Ball and Chain Gang…I haven’t reviewed your
body of work closely enough. It would be
unfair to give you a letter grade at this juncture. Release yourselves from the bonds which tie you
down, and fly free.
Pop Pop (C-, -3.5) over Chubby Gangsters (C+)
Pop Pop and CG have been taking honors classes during the
first semester of the Fall WAKA VA Peninsula league. The Pop Poppers have barely held their heads
above water and hover at 2-2-2. The
Gangbangers on the other hand, have suffered at the hands of an evil and
vindictive commissioner to stumble to an 0-5-1 start. However, despite the record, the Chubbies
have acquitted themselves well in the early going and shall not go gently into
that good night.
Kick Ass (A, -1.5) over Rumspringa (D+)
The pleasant surprise of the Fall season (well, for me,
Manny, the KA roster, and….no one else) has been how Kick Ass has reloaded
after their spring championship run. The
Rumspringa grade may seem harsh, but it only reflects the failure to meet sky
high expectations that the experts had for this team at the beginning of the
season. The ‘Springas naturally are not
responsible for outsider expectations, but they have failed to produce marquee
win in the first half of the season.
Their most impressive showing is a 1-1 tie with the aforementioned
underachievers on Pop Pop. They will
have to raise their grade with extra credit wins over the final six weeks. Maybe kissing the teacher’s ass (literally)
would help out as well (Troy…Brandon…Brian…I’m looking your way).
Foul Balls (B, -6.5) over Kickin Atoms (C+)
I just realized I didn’t justify the grades for these two
squads. I also realize I don’t have to
justify them and that I don’t owe you people anything. At least that’s what I tell my kids every day
when I teach about the evils of Abraham Lincoln.
Peanut Butter Jelly Time (B+, -3.5) over Balls So Hard (C)
Some thought that PBJT would struggle after their offseason
shakeup when all their best friends moved to the rich kids zoned school. However, they added PTown’s own Jeremy
Smithey, who like the author, knows how to do more with less in the land that
time forgot.
Balls So Hard. I don’t understand your name, but I don’t not
understand your name. I’m confused, and
whenever I’m confused on tests I just dial down the center….every answer is “C”.
The Situation (F, -7.5) over Battlestar (B-)
Situation. I am very
disappointed in your performance this semester.
Giving up 3 runs to Free Ballin’ and tying JFK is disgraceful. I expect so much more out of you. Failure.
(Seriously: A+ to Jeremy Edge on getting married and A+
effort to the whole team in Founder’s Cup)
Battlestar has put in a very uneven performance this
season. They’re like the most hormonal
middle school students. One day they’re
out conquering the world, the next they’re crying in the corner of the gym
because George towel whipped their ass.
Free Ballin’ (C-, -3.5) over Chaotic KILFS (A)
For the KILFS, 4-2 against the 14th ranked schedule is still
a 4-2 record for a band of primarily new kickballers. This team barely missed out on the coveted A+
because Captain Eric SchesssssellsssssLLshhs has yet to create a KILFS cheer
that I can mimic effectively.
Free Ballin’ has struggled to a 2-4 record in the first half
of the season after an impressive spring campaign. However, one should never count out MK’s Red
Raiders who feature an impressive array of offensive talent and the ageless wonders
Mark Flores and Frank Council anchoring the defense.
Ballsagna (A, -7.5) over New Kickheads on the Block (A)
The NKOTB have met and exceeded all of their preseason
expectations. Won a game. Grilled out.
Success.
Ballsagna has compiled a 4-2 record in their inaugural
season and continues to perform well.
Their Home Economics projects have been particularly impressive, even if
all of their baked goods have a distinct taste of scrotum.
5 O’Clockers (J, -1.5) over Boom! (B+)
The 5OC receive a J because they didn’t turn in their Bill
of Rights foldable. That’s just goddamn
disrespectful.
Boom!=Onomatopoeia. I think we all learned something
important here today. Kids, stay in
school.
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