Stuff VA Patriot Kickball Draftees Say...

This Sunday is the 4th annual VA Patriot player selection part. Over 150 kickballers will be entered into the draft, and to help prepare the captains, we ask them each to take a very brief informational survey. In addition to basic questions like Gender, Position, Experience, etc, there is also an open dialogue box for them to share whatever they want. The responses vary wildly. Some choose to talk about their athletic backgrounds or brag about glory on the field. Others share a little about their personalities, while others are just straight up ridiculous. I think it's time to highlight some of the best responses so far.

"I like to think that I am decent kickball player. I'm not scared of the ball and am very skilled at catching it off my face." - Sheri Lewis

Certainly, that's not a skill that most people in the draft have. 

"I thought this was Uber. Regardless, can you contact them for a pickup. I'm at the corner of a 7-11. I don't tip." - John Lansing

At least we know that John will have a safe ride home from Bay Haven every Wednesday (if he can figure out his Uber app by then, of course)

"I'm the shit. Take a whiff." - Frank Maclawhorn

I'd rather not if I have a choice, to be honest.

"Positive: I'll talk about your team all the time on 3U3D. Negative: I'll talk about you all the time when the camera isn't on. Positive: I'm okay at kickball. Negative: Secretly, I think I'm way better than okay at kickball. Positive/Negative: If you draft me, then you must draft Eric Taylor." - Nathaniel Johnson

Jorts gives the captains lots of pros and cons to weigh before selecting him. Honestly, he's one of my closest friends and I don't know which way I'd go if I was a captain. That Eric Taylor stipulation...

Special Talents:
- Top 5 40-time in the league GUARANTEED.
- I never tire out. EVER.
- My shortcomings in bunting are made up by my speed on the bases
- I am a team player. You will never hear me complain about playing time or position.

Hidden Abilities:
- At 150 lbs I can drink my weight in alcohol. Maybe an exaggeration?
- I can actually kick the ball pretty far. However, I'm always forced to bunt.
- I have a pretty nasty curving pitch. Bring me in for relief when we are up by 10

Annoying Personality Traits:
- I'm almost always right.

- Josh Carr

Josh is probably really good at writing resumes.

"Willing to distract the ref and argue even when they make the right call." - PC Sawaengphokhai

Unfortunately, these talents are plentiful in the draft.

"48 years of life experiences. 2+ years of kickball experiences. Quiet, diverse, obedient player. Kind of like a good dog, I guess :-( "
- Ed Aaron

Why the frowny face, Ed? 

"I got my first official WAKA injury out of the way prior to the Spring season so I'm good to go now #knockonwood. I can "play" 1st, 2rd or 3rd or right field, but mostly i'm here for the free bags o wine). I keep trying to tag people but then I remember this is an email and not FB." - Kim Cooper

I don't know if there is a correlation between 'free bags of wine' and 'kickball injuries'. Let's hope not. #knockonwood

"I get private kickball lessons from Gene Efird." - Hayley Efird

There are a lot of people who would spend good money on that. Luckeeeeeee.

"Ill play any position but if I'm your top catcher/charger, you did this whole drafting thing wrong. I'll get 3 kicks and 1 throw to first with 47 overthrows. Expect me to compete a little too hard and, at some point, I'll almost kill a baby." - Ian Fluke

Honesty is the best policy, Ian.


This is really only the tip of the iceberg. Judging by the responses, this league is completely stocked with unique, entertaining, and crazy kickballers. The best part is, none of us know who we'll be playing with so any of them could be your next teammates this summer!

If you have not yet registered, be sure to do so ASAP! The deadline to join is on Friday, and the draft party is on Sunday. You don't want to miss out!

Da fuq did this guy write?