AMAH(F)B: Stalled

by Jorts Johnson, Foul Balls

To my legions of dedicated fans, allow me to apologize for the delay in this week's AMAH(F)B.  I started this Fall season as a full time graduate student at Old Dominion.  While I had high hopes this would allow more time for kickball blogging, quite the opposite has been true.  Therefore, I am finishing this week's edition from the same place that I experienced last month's earthquake: the bathroom stall in Dragas Hall.  Without further ado, and with minimal toilet humor.....

The Foul Balls' Week 2 contest against the good people at Jiminy Kick It was heralded as our Super Bowl.  The good news for Gang Green was that no matter the outcome of this week's game we would be free to drink heavily mid-game for every remaining contest on our Fall 2011 slate.   The long awaited return of in-flight refueling will .be coming to a War Memorial base path near you.  The Foulies decided to dispense with our weekly disaster inning in the first and surrendered 5 runs to the legs of Mr. Cricket.  In the final four innings we held our opponents to 2 runs and in the third scored our first run of the year.  The celebration was fitting for such an auspicious occasion.  Nicole recorded our first double play of the young season.  She made a nice grab in right that she fired into first to double up on the JKI baserunner.  Dennis Gholson blasted a single into left to bring this author in to score from second.  Our inter-WAKA transfers Will and Francisca have added experience and make a solid air in left field and third base, respectively.  Newcomers to Gang Green continue to adjust to the game of kickball, while our returning players continue to adjust to exorbitant prices at the War Memorial Tiki Bar.  The adjustment to in-game sobriety has taken a terrible toll on our kicking by forcing players to see only one ball being pitched. 

Driving the Jorts for All Peninsula bandwagon.

Now for this week's update in my quest to be unfairly named to the WAKA Peninsula Fall 2011 All-Peninsula Honorable Mention Team.  I defy you to present another Peninsula player who has scored 100% of his team's runs in this young season.  You can't think of one you say?! Nay! Nay knaves!  The answer is right here at your fingertips.  It is none other than I, Nathaniel "Jorts" Johnson.  A brief glimpse into history for our readers.  In 1970, in an effort to compete for the Heisman trophy, Notre Dame quaterback Joe Theismann changed the pronunciation of his name to rhyme with Heisman and benefit his campaign for the prestigious Heisman Trophy.  In the Fall 2011 WAKA Peninsula season, Nathaniel Johnson will be adopting the alliterative moniker of Jorts Johnson.  Modern business is all about brand recognition and attention-grabbing gimmicks.  I now possess a brand name, a brand image, and none of the requisite skills to obtain the position for which I am applying.  I want this so half-heartedly that I slid into a base this week....twice.  The slide into home wasn't even technically necessary, but I'm in search of a career defining photo to put my All-Peninsula campaign over the top.

Object of Our Scorn:

Luckies: Upon arrival, Sparkle Boobs told me they were out of pounders and informed me that I would have to purchase a $7 Yuengling to continue my drinking evening.  Later at the outdoor bar, I personally witnessed the delivery of several cases of $3 pounders.  Please don't interpret this complaint as a lack of gratitude for all the cheap booze you have provided me in the past year Luckies, but no amount of glitter will confuse me enough to make me purchase a $7 Yuengling.

Not Even Close:

Foul Balls "Practice":  The rain rescued us from actually having to take the field Monday afternoon, but it didn't keep us from our Bar Buzz training.  Brad, Wade, Carolee and Jen gathered around a plate of buffalo chicken dip to attend my seminar on How to Make the All-Bar Buzz team.  Alas, as they always say, "Pride cometh before you pass out at 8:30."

Now the UN-FB 5:

5. JFK (2): Helter Skelter for the Kennedys.  They won the biggest game of Week 1 and then fell in their Week 2 contest against Lick It.  I view this as a positive for the league because it now appears we have 4-5 teams in the running for the top spot.  If you want to keep track of these squads jockeying for position in the championship race, please check the weekly Coach's Poll.  If you can't name more than 4 teams in this league beyond your own, please keep checking the UN-FB 5.

4. The Midnight Photo (NR): The Foul Balls are big fans of the midnight photo.....but you wouldn't know it based on the Midnight Photo from Week 1 and Week 2.  Dennis did his best in Week 2 to  If you have the time for a fun game of Where's Waldo, try to identify the five Foulies present in the Week 2 picture.  It is a testament to the wonderful nature of our league that this photoshoot is now a tangled mass of sweaty, drunken bodies. 

  

3. Gossip Girl (4):  How Trici Got Her Groove Back.  She is a voice that makes this league a better place to be.  Better than what?  This blog refuses to lower itself by insulting other leagues directly.  Instead, we choose to do it indirectly.  The Peninsula league is better in every conceivable facet than any other league in a 60 mile radius.  That is a fact.  Check Wikipedia in the next 20 minutes if you disagree.  If you are checking this more than 20 minutes after the posting of this blog, then I have already been banned from Wikipedia. 

2. League Refereeing (NR):  This league is run by dedicated players and supported by the love and enthusiasm of its players.  Your fellow league members that are officiating your game are doing the best job they can do as kickball officials.  Many of your Wednesday night referees are hard at work all week healing the sick or defending our country in their "day jobs".  These individuals are not professional kickball referees, so let's cut them all a break.  Foul Balls' investigative reporting team has done lots of digging into the league office and the only officiating conspiracy unearthed was the one to place Nathaniel "Jorts" Johnson on the All-Peninsula team.  

1. Ghost Man on Third (NR): The WAKA Peninsula blog has catapulted into our top spot for Week 2 behind strong performances by the reliable Justin Littell and newcomers Adam Henry of CT and Noelle Walsh with her Woman of the Week feature.  This new influx of talent has boosted GMOT circulation numbers to an average of 23 hits per week and only 4 of those hits is my proud mother reviewing the results of an expensive liberal arts education.

This season, I have been peeling back the curtain and providing a glimpse into the Foul Balls locker room with our music video of the week.  For Week 2  I present to you a song that gets all of Foul Territory on its' collective feet, but it is also the personal theme for Jorts Johnson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGuhZvO1DKg