WAKA Wednesday was a revolutionary concept which changed the
lives of hundreds of Hampton Roads kickballers for years. The impact has been felt through the halls of
our local schools, ‘neath the cranes of the shipyard and in our hospitals. The emergence of the greatest kickball league
in this great nation of ours was as ground-breaking as the epic construction of
the Panama Canal by American engineers in the early 20th
century. In the Week 1 gambling lines we
bring you eight games and eight things you possibly didn't know about the 8th
wonder of the modern world, the Panama Canal.
If you pick 6 games correctly by posting your picks in the Facebook
comments, come find me at Luckie’s for a free beer. I have the American flag on my crotch.
TR doing work.
Battlestar Ballsacktica (-0.5) over Kick Ass
The Panama Canal Zone was established as an American run
territory stretching five miles on either side of the center line of the canal
route. Within the Zone, the Republic of
Panama couldn’t tax American enterprises and the U.S. Government established
military bases where they performed weapons tests and a Commissary where exotic
goods could be purchased tax free. On
the Battlerstar they have been testing weapons of kickball destruction for
years, while Kick Ass exists in their own Kickball Zone, a free love
experimental commune. A severe social
stratification existed in Panama as a result of the American presence and this
is a Week 1 game to decide who is a “Have” and a “Have Not” on the Peninsula.
Free Ballin’ (-2.0) over That Just Happened
President Theodore Roosevelt was a free spirited soul who
followed his own internal compass in pursuing a canal in Panama and, I’m
willing to bet, did some Free Ballin’ in his days hunting wild game on
safari. He received his nickname “Teddy”
after refusing to shoot an old captured bear on a hunting trip. Don’t expect Free Ballin’ to grant That Just
Happened the same degree of mercy in a rude welcome to the Peninsula.
Chubby Gangsters (-4.5) over The Misfits
The Hay-Bunau-Varilla Treaty, which gave the United States
government the exclusive rights to build a trans-isthmian canal in Panama, was
signed by a Frenchman acting as Panamanian ambassador who had his
ambassadorship revoked by the Republic of Panama. Commissioner Keith Morehart, Kim Merrit, and
Rob Kroll left the Gangbangers for the startup Misfits just two weeks shy of
opening day. Both moves may be legal,
but don’t pass the smell test. I’m
sniffing out a revenge win for baby blue in Week 1.
5 O’Clockers (-1.5) over Rumspringa
To make the east coast to west coast voyage through the
Canal, container ships must rise 85 feet through the three Gatun locks to
transit the Canal. If they hope to stake
a place among the league’s elite, Rumspringa must rise through one of the
preseason top three teams, beginning with a Week 1 test against this stacked 5
O’Clockers squad. For once, JFK has
nothing to do with one of my long-winded American history tales. Blaine the Train makes his league debut as a
Panamax vessel, designed to maximize transport capability through the Canal.
Foul Balls (-0.5) over Who’s Driving Home
In order to successfully undertake the construction of the
Panama Canal, the United States relied on the work of Virginian Dr. Walter Reed
to eliminate the threat of Yellow Fever in the Panamanian jungle. Wade Brock is the yellow fever which has
afflicted the Foul Balls. Have they
found their Walter Reed in the offseason?
We’ll find out Wednesday night.
Dirty Mike & The Boyz vs. New Kickheads Pick ‘Em
Dirty Mike & The Boyz sound like a nefarious group of
lawbreakers who would associate with the likes of Panamanian dictator Manuel
Noriega. In the Spring 2013 season, the
New Kickheads embark on Operation Just Cause to send Dirty Manuel & The
Panamanian Defense Force Boys packing.
Just like Panamanian politics in the 20th century, this match-up is clouded in mystery and difficult to understand to the outsider. No idea.
Pick ‘Em.
Moose Knuckles (-1.5) over Pop Pop
In 1940, the War Department feared an attack on the Panama Canal
more than a Japanese attack at Pearl Harbor.
Defense Department invested heavily in radar for the Canal Zone prior to
sending the same equipment to Pearl Harbor.
In 2013, everyone expects an aerial assault from the Moose Knuckles, but
a powerful team of Pop Pop patriots aims to make the Knuckles debut a date
which will live in infamy for the legions of MK fans. Jeremy Edge=Hideki Tojo.
Peanut Butter Jelly Time (-2.5) over Chicken Tetrazzini
PBJT’s first WAKA contest was on April 4, 2012, a game in
which they fell 1-0 to Chicken Tetrazzini.
It reminds one of President Omar Torrijos signing a treaty with President
Jimmy Carter to return the Canal to Panamanian control…and then having his
plane mysteriously crash in the jungle 6 months later. It’s been 12 months. It’s Peanut Butter and Defeat time.
you sure the smell is coming from us leaving and not the crap from a merger?
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