RETURN OF THE MEDI (OCRE)
And with March comes the emergence of the beautiful butterfly that is CLUBWAKA MLS. To be honest, this season's version is more like Mothra in that it seems to have mutated and grown to Godzilla size. I remember joking a few seasons ago about getting to 20 teams and splitting into two divisions with promotion/relegation. Who knew we'd be more likely to have a World Cup infrastructure than an EPL infrastructure. More to come on that in a bit... but let's get back to introducing you to this beautiful butterfly.
The following is a basic intro to the teams in the league in alphabetical order. No analysis - just a start so you can orient yourself to what teams are in the league, who's kind enough to captain each team, and what color they are. Following that, we'll cover some super exciting news regarding how the schedule is going to be built and when it will be announced so be sure to read all the way through.
MEET THE MLS!
1. Balls Deep
Captain: Dani Robinson
Color: Jet Black
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 0
All Time Record: 0-0
Previous Award Winners: Dani Robinson - Golden Gal - Fall 2019
Titles: 0
Lots of former Hot and Messi players looking to jump directly to end this season where they ended last season - top of the table.
2. Barce-loners
Captain: Adam CarrColor: True Royal
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 0
All Time Record: 0-0
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
A free agent squad that may take a few weeks to gel. But I know a few of those that are signed up and this is going to be a fun and talented squad once they get to know each other.
3. DOTB
Captain: Carl HansonColor: Bright Aqua
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 2
All Time Record: 6-8-3
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
The Lionsbridge FC Die-Hards are back with their player-coach Chris Whalley looking to build on last year's middle of the table finish.
4. FKs and Lagers
Captain: Callum SutherlandColor: Neon Orange
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 0
All Time Record: 0-0
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
A spin-off squad from PKs and IPAs, Callum looks to repeat PKs success from last year with some goals off free kicks and a whole lot of Oozlefinch lagers.
5. Hampton Hotspur
Captain: Jason FisherColor: Navy
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 0
All Time Record: 0-0
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
A former White Jogger, Jason Fisher took a season off to run a marathon and do some recruiting. Now he's looking to take the Hampton Hotspur from expansion team to MLS Cup champs.
6. Hangover 86 FC
Captain: Mickey AmaroColor: Custom Blue Jerseys (Aquatic Blue Alternate Kit)
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 4 (original team)
All Time Record: 14-13-3
Previous Award Winners: Mickey Amaro - Golden Gal - Spring 2018; Chris Garcia - Hands of God - Fall 2018
Titles: 0
Mickey brings the team back for a fifth season with some brand new kits and a hunger for their first MLS Cup.
7. Hot and Messi
Captain: Brittany ThomasColor: Kelly Green
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 4 (original team)
All Time Record: 10-20
Previous Award Winners: David Chappell - Sign-Up Simon - Fall 2018
Titles: 0
After an amazing run last season, Hot and Messi has changed colors, personnel, and their captain - but look to keep the same results.
8. Hungry Hippos
Captain: Maegan KranzColor: Neon Orange
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 0
All Time Record: 0-0
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
A new squad to the league with an absolutely amazing sign up period - the whole team signed up in a few days. Looking forward to seeing what they can do on the pitch.
9. Hurting Feelings Football Club (formerly All Stars FC)
Captain: Heriberto LopezColor: Charcoal
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 2
All Time Record: 9-4-3
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
After squeaking into the top bracket last year, All Stars won their play-in game and lost the second game to the number 1 seed (Hot & Messi) 1-0. Always a factor in the top of the table, they're likely to make some squads shed some tears.
10. ITWCDBII: Electric Boogaloo
Captain: Caitlin WeirickColor: Neon Pink
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 1
All Time Record: 3-3-2
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
Leadership of ITWCDB transitioned from Gabe Fricke to Caitlin Weirick in the offseason and that added as a splash of color as they decided to go from white to neon pink. No one thought they'd finish in the MLS Cup Playoffs in their first season in the Fall, but they defied expectations. Something Caitlin hopes they'll do this season.
11. Kick in a Box
Captain: Chris KostrykaColor: Custom Black Lonely Island Jerseys (Alternate Kit: Navy)
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 4 (original team)
All Time Record: 8-18-4
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
After the split of KIAB and Motherlovers last season, KIAB needed an adjustment season. They've refueled with some new blood and have been practicing weekly. Watch out WAKA.
12. Look Ma, No Hands
Captain: Jamie ChardColor: Neon Green
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 4 (original team)
All Time Record: 14-15-2
Previous Award Winners: Calli Sherrill - Golden Gal - Fall 2018; Joe Ingraham - Hands of God - Spring 2019
Titles: 1 MLS Cup Championship (Spring 2019)
**Added post-publication due to Lindsay Ingraham rightfully calling me out.**
Look Ma went from the penthouse to the outhouse in one season, but with a more favorable schedule in the Spring and a restructured roster based with increased likelihood of attendance, they're ready to get back into the top tier where they belong.
13. Misfits
Captain: Adam FrantzColor: Custom Black and Royal Jerseys (Alternate Kit: True Royal)
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 3
All Time Record: 11-10-3
Previous Award Winners: Adam Frantz - Sign Up Simon - Fall 2018; Buck Waldrop - Hands of God - Fall 2019
Titles: 1 Division 2 Cup Championship (Fall 2018)
So much recruiting, so little time. Although this season puts Adam and his band of Misfits in a replacing scenario as a couple of key contributors aren't playing. Either way, they're still a heavy favorite to at least make the final 4 if not bring home their first MLS Cup trophy.
14. Moat Monsters
Captain: Michael DorseyColor: Team Purple
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 4 (original team)
All Time Record: 23-6-3
Previous Award Winners: Sarah Watson - Golden Gal - Spring 2019
Titles: 2 MLS Cup Championships (Spring 2018 and Fall 2019)
The most consistent team in the league who added to their riches in the Fall with their second championship. Watch how they move the ball week 1 - the gold standard in organization even when they don't have people show up.
15. Mother Lovers
Captain: Ryan O'DonnellColor: Custom White Lonely Island Jerseys (Alternate Kit: Team Purple)
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 1
All Time Record: 6-3-1
Previous Award Winners: Ryan O'Donnell (Sign Up Simon - Fall 2019)
Titles: 1 Division 2 Cup Championship (Fall 2019)
They're back for some additional lovin'. A top tier team that was beat out on tiebreakers -- they ran the table to secure the Division 2 Cup in the Fall, but they look to do more than that in the Spring.
16. Multiple Scoregasms (formerly Soccer? I Hardly Knew 'Er)
Captain: Zach MurrellColor: Dark Green
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 1
All Time Record: 3-5
Previous Award Winners: Ryan Greene (Golden Boot - Fall 2019)
Titles: 0
Multiple Scoregasms has 15 guys on their team, so don't expect them to get tired. They also added some additional firepower to an already high powered offense. Expect them to take a huge jump up the table in the Spring.
17. Netkicks and Chill
Captain: Sam HuffmanColor: Neon Yellow
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 4 (original team)
All Time Record: 11-16-2
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
Netkicks had a huge drop off last season after finishing last Spring 6-1. Part of that is due to schedule, but part of it was due to attendance. If they can get their squad to show up, expect them to be in the fight to make the top bracket.
18. Oozlekicks
Captain: Jay CobleColor: Neon Pink
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 4 (original team)
All Time Record: 18-9-4
Previous Award Winners: Jay Coble (Hands of God - Spring 2018); Tom Weniger (Golden Boot - Spring 2018); Tom Weniger (Golden Boot - Spring 2019)
Titles: 0
The Ooze had a phenomenal season in the Fall finishing close to the top and then beating Ronaldo in the first round of the playoffs. Extremely good keeping, multiple top goal scorers and an organized defense. Another major contender for the Cup this season.
19. PKs and IPAs
Captain: Erik HalvorsenColor: Cardinal
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 2
All Time Record: 7-6-1
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 1 Division 2 Cup Championship (Spring 2019)
Springing off their Division 2 Cup Championship in their first season, PKs skied up the table to finish last season in 4th place. With a few of their players leaving for FKs and Lagers this season, they'll be looking to replace those pieces and continue to progress.
20. Rebel Alliance
Captain: Katelynn CioffiColor: Dark Green
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 1
All Time Record: 4-5
Previous Award Winners: Scott Tinsley (Sign Up Simon - Spring 2018)
Titles: 0
The Rebels are back and have added some additional firepower in Gary Johnson and Scott Tinsley. Expect them to compete with the top tier teams in the Spring.
21. Retired Athletes
Captain: Hector RamosColor: Aquatic Blue
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 2
All Time Record: 4-9-2
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
Listen - I'm going to be honest about my bias. Retired Athletes are one of my favorite teams in the league. Always a smile on these guys and competitive to boot. They return most of their squad from the Fall and I expect them to improve on their 2-6 record.
22. Ronaldo McDonaldo
Captain: Brad KirbyColor: Custom Red Jerseys (Alternate Kit: Jet Black)
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 4 (original team)
All Time Record: 24-5-1
Previous Award Winners: Michael Machie (Golden Boot - Fall 2018)
Titles: 1 MLS Cup Championship (Fall 2018)
After their worst finish in 4 seasons, Ronaldo looks to get back on top in the Spring. Was it their age? Was it their captain's lack of focus on team as he tries to grow the league? Was it injuries? Was it baby making? Who knows, but let's hope it doesn't happen again. They're trying to keep up with Moat.
23. The Buffalos
Captain: Brian DiamondColor: Charcoal
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 0
All Time Record: 0-0
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
The smallest roster in the league at 7 guys, 6 ladies, the Buffalos look to come out and prove they're way more than just another name for Bison. My guess is they spend the whole season out-talking Adam Frantz and they may just be the newcomers of the year.
24. Unatletico Monroe
Captain: Dustin HarrisColor: Athletic Maroon
Seasons in CLUBWAKA MLS - 3 (as various names like Ibra Kadibra and White Joggers)
All Time Record: 7-15-2
Previous Award Winners: None
Titles: 0
UAM was close to making a run to the finals of the MLS Division 2 Cup playoffs last season with a win over Soccer? I Hardly Know 'Er in the first round only to narrowly lose to DOTB in the semis. My guess for the outcome of the 2019 season? Favorite for the MLS Division 2 Cup.
THE SCHEDULE
Oh snap. You guys don't even know. Towards the end of the Fall season, the MLS Historical Society, myself, and Brent Wentworth (CLUBWAKA Hampton Roads CEO/President/Hero/Legend) began discussing ideas for how we could structure the schedule in 2019. Dave McLain of Oozlekicks wanted divisions like the NFL. Ryan O'Donnell asked a statistician to come up with a complicated BCS algorithm weighing results based on strength of schedule. There was also lots of talk of two divisions with promotion/relegation. Ultimately, I'm WAAAAAAY more excited to announce this.
So here goes... I'm proud to announce we will be basing our Spring 2020 Schedule on the FRICKIN FIFA WORLD CUP (or the Champions League if you'd prefer)!!!
What does this entail exactly?
1. Teams have been ranked by yours truly based on a number of factors -- (1) previous performance (2) roster analysis, (3) league longevity and (4) the German National Team Manager Joachim Loew sniff test. #respect
2. Teams will then be split into 4 tiers (6 teams in each).
3. The 24 teams will then be randomly assigned to 6 different bins with a tier 1 team, a tier 2 team, a tier 3 team, and a tier 4 team in each 'bin'.
4. Each team in the bin will play the other teams in the bin. Then that bin will play 1 other bin. So 3 games in your bin and 4 games against another for a total of 7 total games. For example.. Team A in Bin 1 plays Team B, C, and D in bin 1 and then plays teams A, B, C, and D in Bin 2. Bin 3 would play bin 3 and 4 and so on.
5. The top two teams in each bin will advance to the MLS Cup Championship Playoffs. The bottom two teams in each bin will advance to the MLS Division Two Cup Playoffs.
In future seasons, as your performance changes, you can move up or down the tiers just like in the FIFA world rankings. This is obviously not a scientific ranking system, so if you don't like where I think you'll fall, prove me wrong but don't come at me spittin' Haterade as I don't have time for that drama.
6. So where do we go from here? I will post the teams and how they fall into each tier on the Facebook Group Page on the morning of Thursday March 5th, 2020. Brent, Ryan, or I will then pull the 'bins' at some point later in the day - not sure if it'll be during the day or in the evening yet, but either way we'll let you know in advance when it's going to be and then try to post it on Facebook Live so everyone can follow along or watch later. Then the schedule will be posted this weekend. Stay tuned and if you have any questions at all... hit me up.
Talk to you all on the 'morrow.
In future seasons, as your performance changes, you can move up or down the tiers just like in the FIFA world rankings. This is obviously not a scientific ranking system, so if you don't like where I think you'll fall, prove me wrong but don't come at me spittin' Haterade as I don't have time for that drama.
6. So where do we go from here? I will post the teams and how they fall into each tier on the Facebook Group Page on the morning of Thursday March 5th, 2020. Brent, Ryan, or I will then pull the 'bins' at some point later in the day - not sure if it'll be during the day or in the evening yet, but either way we'll let you know in advance when it's going to be and then try to post it on Facebook Live so everyone can follow along or watch later. Then the schedule will be posted this weekend. Stay tuned and if you have any questions at all... hit me up.
Talk to you all on the 'morrow.
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